It’s the best decision I’ve made in years, I think. Something I’ve always wanted to do but never actually took steps towards. I’m finally, finally, finally seeking counseling. I am now one of the elite masses who sees a therapist. You know how much I love that? More than I love a good foodgasm, and that’s saying a lot.
I was expecting to be hovering around the brink of broke for the next few months – counseling is no cheap matter. I spent hours revising my budget for the summer to make sure I could afford to shell out the hundreds of dollars per session and still be able to cook myself extravagant meals every once in a while, go the concert of my dreams (Bon Iver & Feist, incase you were wondering), and go on a long-awaited California vacation with my roommate. I knew it would be tight, but you can’t put a price tag on getting healthy can you?
I thought about setting up a “Getting Healthy Fund” with only one donor – my mother. Then maybe I could have a couple hundred dollars to spare for the fun summer things like wedding gifts and lingerie for bachelorette parties and the like. I haven’t gotten around to asking my mother yet.
Then I checked the mail on my way out this morning and found a letter from a friend on the East Coast. Letters make me happy so my heart was already smiling by the time I opened it up and found a short note wrapped around an extravagant check. The note talked about how said friend was proud of me for seeking counseling. And it ended with this sentence:
“Take this as practice in letting people love you without them wanting something in return.”
How do I deserve these people I call my friends? Here’s the answer: I don’t. I really don’t. But I’m going to try and stop figuring out why they love me and just let them. I cried my eyes out – in public nonetheless – because I was overwhelmed by the kindness and sincerity. That check could’ve been for $5 and I would have cried regardless. The idea that someone loves me enough to sacrifice financially to help me fulfill a dream of being healthy is something that makes me feel unworthy and immensely loved all at once.
I’m in therapy because, amongst a multitude of other things, I don’t know how to let people love me. When I read that note, I immediately wanted to do something in return, or just not ever deposit the check. But I’m slowly learning to let down my guard and accept unconditional love, even though I’m so terribly used to experiencing and expecting conditional love.
See? I’m already getting healthier.
I’m overwhelmed by love today, and I decided to write about something happy instead of just the difficult things. To the one who made me cry for joy this morning – I love you, and I will make you so proud with how much I grow and change through therapy. You are beautiful, and you make my heart swell.