I have only mildly coherent thoughts tonight, yet here I am writing. It’s mostly because I owe it to all of you beautiful people out there who – wonder of all wonders – actually read my blog regularly. I don’t want to disappear for too long at a time, so I’ll let you in on where my head has been over the last couple of weeks:
Men and limbo land.
You know that place? The one where you’re friends with some dapper, Jesus-lovin’, good music appreciatin’, can whip up a delectable meal in the kitchen type of guy, and then one day (or honestly, since the day you met them) you realize that you are actually romantically interested in said fellow, but you have no clue on earth how he feels about you? That place. I really, truly have a strong distaste for that place.
I think limbo land can be healthy for a short while. And as one of my recently married friends pointed out, it’s a different kind of excitement that you don’t feel when you’re both sure of your affection. So yeah, limbo land can be enjoyable. But my problem is that I tend to live there. Plant roots, build a home, raise kids even. With multiple people all at once. And it gets old, and frighteningly polyamorous, real fast.
I just want to know either way. Yes or no. I like you or I don’t even remember that you’re a girl. I never want my face to be in any close proximity to yours or I don’t want to know where your face ends and where mine begins. It would just be so nice to know.
So I’m trying out this thing where I’m only renting out a studio apartment in limbo land on a month-to-month lease agreement. I’m not making any friends so it’s easier to get up and leave. I’m certainly not raising any kids. And I’m making a conscious effort to push myself out of limbo land. It includes things like putting myself out there as honestly as possible, which since we’re being honest, I actually have no idea how to do. Turns out text messages with smileys or winkey faces aren’t actually “putting yourself out there.” Someone should have told me that a long time ago.
And the thing is, in most cases, either direction works just fine. Of course, I hope more for the butterflies and rainbows direction but I do love and appreciate solid, real, platonic friendships with people whose emotions don’t follow a menstrual cycle. But it’s hard to know where you stand when everything could mean anything and everyone’s all happy and huggy and intently gazing into each other’s eyes during conversations.
There should be a manual for getting out of limbo land. A map, if you will. If you have one, do share. It would also help if I wasn’t THE most oblivious woman in the history of women. I think I’ve probably been offered a few rides out of limbo land in the past but I’ve been too clueless to realize it. But when all is said and done, limbo land and I just cannot coexist for much longer. Not if I don’t want to die an old maid, that is. Even unrequited love is more manageable than being in limbo. Or is that taking it a little too far?
Now that you know what has been consuming my thoughts, I bid you adieu.