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The 20-Somethings Part XI

Kailin & David probably don’t know how often I think, “Aww, I want to be young and cool and married to my best friend!” simply because of them. They’re  perfect for each other, and they give me such hope 🙂 They’ve been married for almost two years, and I secretly adore their relationship.

HMHW: What do you look for in a group of friends at this age?
Kailin: I don’t know, that’s hard. For me, I think it’s people that I feel like I can relate to on some level.
David: People that we come in contact with on a regular basis – like people from the church and stuff.
Kailin: I think I’m now at the age where it’s changed from knowing people in multiple places, to just work and church and the communities in there. It’s a different phase of life now.

HMHW: Fill in the blank: I’m a closet _____ fan.
David: If I had to pick a genre of music, probably techno. It’s my downfall.
Kailin: Call of Duty. I used to make fun of David for playing it and thought it was a stupid and gross game, and then I talked to my sister-in-law who said she started playing it with her husband to kind of be his “playmate”. I hated the idea of it (I have NEVER been a video game player) but since David enjoyed it, one day I just decided to try it, just to be able to say I that I even tried it and still hated it. And now I am usually the one asking David if he wants to play. I’m not good at it. It’s a guilty pleasure actually… and I never thought I would hear myself say that.

HMHW: Do you believe in types?
Kailin: Yes and no. Before I met David, I would’ve said absolutely. And then when I met David, I would’ve said not at all. But now that I know him better…
David: Well, if you look for a certain type of person, the more you get to know them the more you realize that they’re not the person you thought they were in the first place.
Kailin: I don’t think I believe in types in terms of hair color, skin color, height, etc. Definitely not physical characteristics, but what you find attractive in their hearts. [The physical characteristics] might be what stick out to you but it doesn’t mean they’ll stick.
David: I think they’re a lot less important than you think.

HMHW: Do you have career goals? Do you see yourself remaining in the same career for the rest of your life?
David: I started my career while I was still in high school, but I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing now. Got my degree in graphic design but I work as a product definition engineer, which is kinda not at all the same thing. And I think even my career goals have changed – coming out of college, I wanted to do graphic design but now I want to do development stuff, writing code. So at some point, it would be cool to have my own business doing web design and development.
Kailin: Yeah, I feel similarly. I love where I work right now – I work at WIC. And the more that I work with women and kiddos, the more I love doing that. I can definitely see myself there for a long time, but I also want to incorporate nutrition, and women, and counseling, and now breastfeeding. That’s where I see myself right now, but I realize that the more goals and plans I make for myself, the more I realize that life doesn’t always go that way.

HMHW: What do you know now of marriage that you wish someone had told you before you got married?
Kailin: I have a really basic one. Don’t plan to leave at 7am the next morning for your honeymoon. That is the stupidest thing I think we did. After a long day, the last thing you want to do is not sleep in.
David: It’s obvious but, be open to change. Everything is different – but really good.
Kailin: I think people always talked about how hard the first year of marriage is, and I wish someone would’ve just said, “Get ready to enjoy it.” Because we were told that the first year is really hard and to expect lots of problems, but our first year was amazing. And I wish we hadn’t had the pressure there of expecting it to be really, really hard. Cause every marriage is different – some people might have a difficult first year of marriage and some people might not.

HMHW: What’s your definition of guarding your heart?
David: Everyone has a face that they wear, and showing only that side of yourself is in some way guarding your heart.
Kailin: But do you think that’s good or bad? Should you do that?
David: I think to a point maybe.
Kailin: I think my answer, especially if you’re a girl who feels pressure to get married, would be to let someone deserve that part of you before you just give it up. And not in a way where you’re holding back or not letting anyone in, but I’ve seen too many girls that want marriage so badly that they’re willing to give everything up before the other person proves that they’re worthy of it.
David: I think you also have to be comfortable telling something about yourself to someone else before you do it. I think if you’re going to question it later, then maybe you weren’t actually comfortable sharing that in the first place.
Kailin: Yeah, but that’s one of those things where everyone gives you a recipe for how it should be done, but there isn’t one correct way to do it.

HMHW: How do you make decisions about your future in this season of life? Has that changed from before?
Kailin: I’d say it’s definitely changed. I used to be the kind of person that would move every year or two, and I really liked adventure so I would just pick up and go on a whim. And now, there’s just more to the picture. But I think it was really natural, it wasn’t like I was held back from doing any of those things by any means. You just have another person to put before yourself now.
David: I think for me, it’s changed as well. Back in college, I had big, end goals – I wanted to graduate college so for four years of my life, I was just going with the flow until I was done with that. Now, it’s much more about the daily, smaller goals. Now, there’s a lot more planning.
Kailin: I think it’s also being okay with disagreeing, though. In knowing that one person wants something different than the other, you don’t make abrupt decisions that would frustrate the other person, but instead you talk about it.

HMHW: Do you believe in the one?
David: I don’t. To me, that feels like predestination – saying that God specifically ordains the person you’re going to be with. I think he knows what choices we’re going to have to make and the outcome of those choices, and he knows us so well that he knows what we’re going to decide. But I don’t think he chooses the things for us.
Kailin: I don’t know that I would maintain this answer, but I think you get to choose for sure. Before meeting David, I would’ve said no, I don’t believe in the one. But I felt very led to him before I even knew him, and I definitely did have a choice. But the way things fell into place, it felt like they were kind of beyond my control, and it made me feel like I was supposed to end up with him. I think God speaks differently to different people, and maybe for me I just needed an abrupt, “Stop and listen, I want you to do this” where for some people, it’s not like that.
David: I think that happens in all aspects of life. God will open doors and say, “I know the outcomes of this,” but he still leaves the choice up to us. He either chooses to bless our choices or not bless them.

HMHW: What’s the best/worst advice you’ve ever been given on the topic of love and relationship?
David: I think I heard from almost every other single guy that knew that I was engaged, that I just needed to learn and memorize two words: You’re right. I think it’s okay to disagree, and if you just always default to “You’re right,” you’re just distancing yourself. That might avoid conflict, but it might not always be the best thing.
Kailin: I think the best advice was from marriage counseling, where we were told that most marriages end in divorce because of either sex or money. So being aware of that, and being able to talk about it is really good.
David: We went through Financial Peace University, which helped us to be on the same page about money. And that helped reduced disagreements over financial stuff.

HMHW: What’s your perception of the differences between masculinity and femininity? Do you think it varies from gender to gender or person to person?
Kailin: I think there’s definitely a difference. I think a lot of times your personality is different from your masculinity and femininity. There’s still a “you” within that realm of masculinity and femininity. You can be a girl that doesn’t like to put on heels and an apron, but that doesn’t mean you’re not feminine. And you can be a guy that doesn’t sit down to watch football with a beer, and still be manly.
David: Culture has these predefined roles that you shall play if you are male or female, and that’s not really accurate. And I think it also varies from person.

HMHW: What kinds of things challenge your masculinity and femininity?
Kailin: Well, this is one of my soapboxes, but being the woman who is always on a diet or constantly talking about weight. I’ve seen it hurt people so many times. Just the idea of sitting down at dinner [with other women] and discussing how many pounds this one lost, and what diet the other is on, disgusts me. I don’t even want to be a part of those conversations, but I feel like I’m expected to as a woman.

HMHW: Were you scared of the commitment of marriage even though you knew that you loved each other?
David: I was almost scared by how okay I was with the commitment. I think I was supposed to be afraid but it wasn’t the case.
Kailin: I was afraid of it before David, completely. I was afraid that it would cause a lot of stress and fights and brokenness, and then David kind of changed that perspective. I didn’t think I would get married until I was at least 30, and I got married at 22.

HMHW: Do you feel like you’ve had to sacrifice parts of yourself that you didn’t expect in marriage?
Kailin: No, I don’t think so. I think you get to the point where you want to; you don’t see it as a sacrifice but more as a joint thing.
David: I don’t think so either. There are all these expectations people have of marriage, and after you’re married you find out that most of them were just wrong. I think going into it trying to have no expectations of how anything is going to happen is much better. But I don’t feel like I had to sacrifice anything.

HMHW: What are your opinions on joint bank accounts?
David: [Andy] always says that you can tell someone’s priorities by their bank statement, and I think that’s totally true. Being able to have that open between you two is pretty good.
Kailin: I think for our relationship, it’s vital. For me at least, it allows me to feel like we’re on a team and that we make decisions together, but I also know that people in other marriages have separate bank accounts and it works great for them. I don’t think I would ever be comfortable with it, just because I’d rather have everything together, but I know that the opposite works just fine for other people.
David: I think if we did have separate bank accounts, we would have avoided a lot of discussion that needed to happen.
Kailin: I would’ve spent a lot more money on coffee…

HMHW: Do you think you made the most of your single life?
Kailin: I really do. I loved being single – I spent a semester in France and then I moved to Colorado all by myself, and I loved that independence. I think I got a lot out of that independence, but also learned the value of not being alone.
David: Yeah, I don’t think I ever really had huge plans of things I wanted to do before I got married. So I don’t really feel like I missed out on anything, and I definitely wouldn’t go back and change it.
Kailin: And I think there’s a misconception that once you get married you can’t do all the things you once wanted to do. I’ve found that you either have someone to do them with, or you have someone’s support behind you when you want to do it. So I don’t really feel like there’s a huge difference between single life and married life in terms of goals and dreams.

HMHW: Most embarrassing dating story.
Kailin: *laughing* You can talk about how you hugged me, and then hugged me again…
David: Okay, I’m extremely shy and nervous, and there were several times when we would go on a date and I would take her home, walk her to the door, and end up hugging her twice because I couldn’t work up the nerve to kiss her.
Kailin: *still laughing* He would turn around and come and hug me again!
David: With plans to kiss her that time, but it just didn’t happen!
HMHW: Did you know while all this was going on?
Kailin: Oh, I knew. And I told myself that I would not kiss him first, and so I didn’t. It was like six weeks of not kissing him – it seemed like a very long time.
David: I have one that surprised me a lot – one of our first dates was on the 4th of July, and I found out that she’s the biggest pyro I’ve ever met. We go out and light sparklers and she’s like, “Here, catch!” and she’s tossing them at me!
Kailin: Yeah, I really do love fire. 4th of July probably wasn’t a good first date.
David: I wasn’t expecting that. But it’s good cause I’m a pyro too, so it worked out.

HMHW: Do you believe in the ability to be ready for marriage? Did you have factors that indicated your readiness?
Kailin: I don’t think you can really be ready for it. Like I said, everyone says it’s going to be different than it is, for every couple. At the same time, if you haven’t talked about it with the other person yet or if you’re just rushing into it thinking it will be happily every after, then maybe you’re not ready. But once you’re in it, if you’re in it for the long haul, you’ll figure that stuff out.
David: If you feel like you’re ready to be married, just generally not necessarily to a specific person, then you probably have a lot of expectations that are going to be proved wrong or different. I think there are also some people who are ready to be married for the sake of being married, but not necessarily ready for marriage.

HMHW: What are your opinions on pursuing/being pursued in terms of gender roles?
Kailin: I was very traditional with that. I had no problem giving my number out or expressing interest, but I felt like it was very important to be the one that was pursued. Also – and I don’t think it’s wrong for a girl to kiss a guy first – I had decided to not kiss first.
David: And she’s very stubborn…
Kailin: But if you’re confident and know that you want to go on a date with a guy, then why not ask?

HMHW: What’s been the hardest part of being a 20-something?
Kailin: I’d say expectations of what your twenties are supposed to look like. You’re supposed to graduate from college, and get a job, and get married, and then figure out how many years to wait before having kids. Should you wait a long time or should you have them right away? Which pressure do you feel the most? Those expectations are just really difficult. I’ve just kinda given up on that; do it when it’s right for you.
David: I can’t really think of any others, but I agree with that.
Kailin: And one more thing, the thing I hate most about the twenties is that it is such a transitional phase. You get to know and love a person, and then they move away. There’s this investment in people, and then you have to say goodbye. It’s a very transient season, and it’s hard. And it’s especially hard when we’ve been here and we don’t see ourselves leaving for a while, but everyone else just goes in and out of our lives. And I’m not good at goodbyes.

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About thehonestbrave

tending the space between where i am and where i want to be.

One response »

  1. I secretly adore these two, too 🙂 So talented and sweet as individuals and just AWESOME together!

    Reply

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