I find myself resenting this phase of life I’m in. I resent it less for the challenges it brings, but for the fact that it seems never ending. The more mature parts of my heart are thankful for the challenges and trials, because when I take a step back, I can literally see myself growing and changing in beautiful ways. I’m thankful for that. For the fact that this phase has lasted longer than I even want to recall, however, I am not so thankful.
Trying to find the joy in today while holding fast to the belief that I’m made for so much more is exhausting. Today seems so mundane, so pointless, so purposeless. And maybe it’s because I’ve glorified tomorrow, making it more than it should be. But I’m sick of here and now. I’m sick of that tantalizing glimmer of change that comes every now and then, raising my hopes only to dash them mercilessly to the ground. I’m tired of claiming to trust in a higher plan that is good when it doesn’t feel so good.
But that’s the thing: I do trust in that plan. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. The problem is living in the in-between. My head believes in the good plan, but my heart is weary. My head knows that there is always purpose to the pain, but my heart is throwing a temper tantrum. My head understands that life is seasonal and sadly, so are relationships. My head wants to celebrate with my friends who are moving away to live out their adventures, grand and small. But my heart? My heart is fickle and selfish – it doesn’t celebrate, it mourns because my life seems to be at a standstill. And this time, my heart wants to believe that nothing will change but my head knows that nothing will ever be the same.
I’m terrified of saying goodbye to two more friends in less than six weeks. I’m terrified to spend the holiday season alone, with my only family member across the country alone as well. I’m terrified that this season of waiting that has spanned decades of my life will never actually end. I’m terrified that while everyone around me finds purpose, I’ll wither away in despair, and no one will notice because they would have all moved on to their bright, joyful futures.
And then I read this quote, which promptly reduced me to tears:
“Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there.” – C.H. Spurgeon.
While I try to live in the middle, may I learn to cling to that truth. Where I am today is the best place for me to be, as frustrating as it is. I’m holding on to honesty and vulnerability, admitting that life is wrecking me these days, but I’m also holding on to truth – He is actively working things out for my good.
“Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” – Psa 116:7