I’ve laughed a lot these past few weeks, but I’ve cried a lot too. It’s been one of those seasons where you run the risk of watching me dissolve into tears if you ask a sincere, “How are you, really?”. Because life hasn’t been so great. Life has been hard and painful and bleak – everything I was told it would be, everything I shouldn’t be surprised that it is. Yet, it’s still managed to knock the wind out of me and leave me dazed in its wake.
The other day, I rolled over at the sound of my alarm, saw that it was raining and promptly decided that the world could go on without me while I sulked in bed. I spent a much needed day letting myself be sad, instead of pretending to be fine around everyone else. It was a scene straight out of a depressing movie – alternating between episodes of Glee and crying while staring at the raindrops outside my window, and generally just never leaving my bed except to cook myself a meal. I ignored phone calls and text messages and just let myself sit in the sorrow.
And afterwards I felt lightyears better.
But nothing much has changed. There’s been no sudden change in perspective or circumstance, and still, no one understands. So life is still difficult and quitting sounds much more appealing that trying. Getting lost in my own head is much easier than talking about it, so I’ve disappeared emotionally from my friends. Putting on a happy face is easier than explaining why you’re sad, so I’ve been “happy” around everyone else.
But all that takes its toll and now, I’m beyond exhausted. I don’t know how to pretend anymore. So here’s my official decision not to. I apologize if I’m not as chipper as normal the next time you see me. I’m sorry if I suddenly get teary or answer your indifferent “How are you” with an honest answer. And I’m sorry if my next post takes forever to get written. I can’t think of anything worth saying, and I’m honestly too tired to try.
In the meantime, you can find me sitting with sadness and becoming best friends with him. Because somehow I think that if I’m supposed to learn something from this season, I won’t really learn it by pretending to be someplace else, but by embracing where I’m at. And that’s what I’m going to try to do.