These past few weeks have left my head and heart confused and frantic. For someone who likes to have her life at least roughly mapped out, trying to find housing with only five days left in my current lease is the equivalent of stripping me stark naked and marching me through downtown during the busiest hour of the day. Simply put, it’s been hellish. But housing has been only a small fraction of the bigger issues weighing on this poor heart. And that relentless Enemy of mine jumped on this grand opportunity to fill my heart with doubt and worry. I questioned everything – God’s goodness and His ability to keep His promises and my ability to hear His voice over my own and whether or not He wanted me here after all.
I wish I eat like a horse only when I’m stressed, like most other normal people. Instead, I forget to eat when I’m stressed (and eat like a horse the rest of the time). So my jeans tell me that I haven’t had the most peaceful week – as if I didn’t know already. And my tear-stained pillow tells me that it’s had to muffle many frustrated tears this week – as if I could forget. And my internet search history tells me I’ve spent far too many hours staring at this computer screen, hoping to find a home – as if my tired eyes were unaware. And my Bible, that precious book, tells me that I’ve neglected it for far too long – as if my constantly troubled heart wasn’t enough of a clue. And once I spent some quality time with it, it also told me this:
“Remember your journey…that you may know the righteous acts of the Lord.” Micah 6:5
“But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.” Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;” Isaiah 49:14-16
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:1-2
“say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.” Isaiah 35:4
“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength” Isaiah 30:15
If you were wondering what book of the Bible I’ve been reading lately, you have your answer. How dare I forget what He’s already done? How He’s been faithful in providing time and time again? How my life, from my very conception till this minute, has been one ridiculous miracle after another? How dare I?
Tonight I remember my journey – and with it His faithfulness, goodness, patience, mercy, and victory – and instead of worry I choose rest and quiet trust. In the depths of His love, I find peace. And I will wait for Him, more than the watchmen wait for morning.