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Until It So Desires

The idea of timing has recently begun to fascinate me. The idea that we are bound by time yet entrust our lives to a Being who exists outside of time, who created time. The idea that my yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows are one and the same outside the constraints of time. That when He says “Wait” it’s because He’s already in tomorrow preparing the very thing I am so impatient for today. That He doesn’t just cave in like a parent with no spine when I whine or complain because He already can see the refined, solid, mature person that the tears washing over my face are unearthing. Because He sees the big picture, the full picture. And He isn’t giving me a stone when I ask for bread, instead He’s waiting for my reality to catch up to His.

I crossed a threshold in my journey to femininity recently, one I thought that if I ever crossed would be as a result of someone strong and insistent dragging me along. But something inexplicable happened inside of me a few weeks ago. If you know me at all, you’d know that the idea of marriage scares me senseless. That’s what happens when you grow up in a broken home – you’re terrified that you are incapable of building a healthy one of your own. For every time I complained about not being a relationship, I inwardly whispered words of gratitude that I wasn’t in one. I never thought I was capable of it, and if anyone came uncomfortably close to changing that, I ran as fast as my oversized feet could take me. My, how easy it is to speak the language your friends are speaking when your heart doesn’t mean it at all.

A few weeks ago, that changed and if I could explain why, I would. I can say that my heart feels different, is different. In retrospect, I can see that the years I spent whining and complaining, the silent tears or the unexpected ones at the dinner table after a few glasses of wine, the almosts and the could-have-beens weren’t Him giving me stones instead of bread. He just knew that if He gave me what I wanted when I wanted it, I would have destroyed it. He was withholding a gem knowing that I couldn’t appreciate its rareness and magnificence quite yet. And He was preserving this gem for the person already praying for her somewhere in the world.

They say growth takes time. You don’t realize how far you’ve come because you’ve been taking baby steps. And then one day you realize you just climbed a mountain, one tiny step at a time. I don’t want the things I wanted a month ago, I don’t pray the prayers I prayed a month ago, I don’t even talk the way I used to a month ago. And while it seems like an instant, dramatic change, I know it was as a result of painfully surrendering the tiniest bits of this process over a long period of time to the One who sees the big picture. And He makes all things beautiful in His time.

My heart is different. My heart is ready. My reality is finally catching up to His. I’ve never been more sure of anything.

“Do not awaken love until it so desires.” Song of Songs 8:4

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About thehonestbrave

tending the space between where i am and where i want to be.

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