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Who Are We Fooling?

If I were being honest, I’d tell you that I’m slowly losing hope and motivation. If I were being honest, I’d tell you that I want to retract every public statement I’ve made about starting a nonprofit just so no one would keep me accountable. I’d tell you that my heart is overwhelmed and frightened. I’d tell you that the more research I do, the more acutely aware I become of my incompetence, my incapabilities, my shortcomings.

If I were being really honest, I’d tell you that I’ve considered numerous times in the last month picking a different cause, a different career, a different life. I’d tell you that all I want is a romantic, light, and airy life-dream like my friend’s: to travel and write and fall in love. I’d tell you that I wish I could forget the issue of sex trafficking; I’d tell you that I wish there weren’t brothels in the very city I live in so that I can enjoy my sunny walks around Old Town without thinking about that brothel five minutes away where a girl loses a piece of her innocence and worth each night.

If I were the most honest, I’d tell you I don’t want to care anymore.

I don’t think I’m strong enough. I know I’m not strong enough. I’ve barely even gotten my feet wet yet my heart is threatening to collapse. How ever will I survive for the rest of my life, immersed in their world, seeing their suffering, tasting their pain? I feel broken, confused, alone. So very alone. And I simply don’t want to care anymore. I want to go back to the days when I dreamed about owning my own little wedding planning business. I want to get married, have babies, and run my little company. I want a simple, easy, risk-free life. I don’t want the response to my life-dream to be, “Oh that’s dangerous, they’ll kill you.” I want safety and simplicity.

But He won’t let me. And since I’m being honest, I’ll tell you that it aggravates me to no end that He won’t let me. But what good is it trying to wage an intellectual battle against the person who gave you your mental faculties?


About thehonestbrave

tending the space between where i am and where i want to be.

4 responses »

  1. hisbelovedwriter

    Oh, how I love God and His relentlessness.
    And, you do, too.
    And, I know I’m saying this from the outside looking in, but let me tell you something: to see you on fire about the issue of sex-trafficking, to see you passionate about what it is that God has in mind for you–in my eyes, you become the biggest, baddest, bravest, boldest WOMAN that I have in my life; in my eyes, little Chichi, standing barely over five feet, transforms into this soldier–a beautiful, desirable, faithful soldier. And, I love it. And, I love you. So, don’t give up–it would break my heart to see it happen.

  2. As a believer, your safety is in Jesus Christ, out of whose hand no one can pluck you. As a believer, simplicity is found in the simple truth of the Gospel, of which God desires you to be a messenger to the women He’s broken your heart for. But as you live out His calling on your life, daily surrendering to Him, persevering in affliction, seeking His face, you will find that there is no safety and simplicity as this world would define it. Believing there’s another “life-dream” that would be “simple, easy, and risk-free” is believing a lie that Satan tells to dissuade you from living out God’s purpose for you. God calls each of us to different specific roles, different passions, within the ultimate big purpose that is true for all of us. “Knowing Him, and making Him known.” And I can tell you, as someone who is married, has been blessed with babies, serving within the Body of Christ, there is only a bit of simplicity, nothing easy, and tons of risk. I would only have “simple, easy, risk-free” if I was refusing to pick up my cross daily and follow Jesus. And I know, Chichi, that you do not desire that, regardless of the life-dream you’re living out. So don’t even consider those things. Seek God, with shameless audacity. Let His Word be the lamp to your feet and the light to your path. Know the One in whom you have faith, and “…let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” Gal. 6:9.

    And by the way… I would love to spend some time with you before the summer ends. I’ll give you a call this week. Love you! 🙂

  3. P.S. What I said comes mainly from the struggle I’ve had often with perseverance – asking myself each day “will I walk by faith today, picking up my cross and following Jesus, or will I trust in my own strength and seek my own safety, taking the ‘easy’ road?” I completely understand the trembling of your heart, and the temptation to give up, but remember Who has called you His own, and how well He’ll take care of you as He leads you.

  4. Nehemiah 6:9
    They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, “Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.” But I prayed, “Now strengthen my hands.”


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