On a scale of Hitler to Mother Teresa, I would probably place myself closer to Mother Teresa than Hitler. I wouldn’t call myself the worst sinner, yet I’d be mildly hesitant to call myself a saint. So the quiet, chiding voice that’s been calling very many things to my attention over the last few days has to be wrong. I’m not that terrible of a person.
It’s not as if I don’t acknowledge the fact that they aren’t the only ones to blame. I know that I, in many ways, have contributed to the mess that the ladies and I have been bemoaning all week long. But I just needed to rant, you know? I just needed a few minutes, or days in fact, to really tell them how abandoned and unwanted I felt. If a girl can’t afford therapy, she needs to be able to talk about her issues somewhere, right?
It’s not as if I can’t see that we weren’t really best friends; that was just my failed attempt to explain two years of unrequited affection. It’s not like I’m blind to the fact that she fits into him like a hand in a glove, more perfectly than I ever could. But can you blame me for the derisive comments that are constantly playing in my head? Can you blame me for feeling disregarded and once again, not good enough? Can you blame me for being just a little dramatic?
And you’re right, I won’t pretend as if I’ve been the standard of perfection. I know I’ve been messy and inattentive and less than kind. But at least I mostly kept my not-so-uplifting opinions to myself and didn’t share them with the world. And I’m only human, so the angry jerk that surfaced over the last couple of weeks is completely understandable, right? Can I please be allowed to be irritated and mean just for a couple of weeks? Can I please let down the ideal, worship leading, don’t-need-anyone-but-Jesus facade for just a couple of weeks and be a total rhymes-with-witch to everyone who crosses my path?
If only that gentle voice would whisper the go-ahead for me to wallow in selfishness. Instead he kept nudging me as I read C. S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce in one sitting tonight. He kept saying, “You see how all those ghosts couldn’t partake of heaven because all they were focused on was themselves? You see how they even disguised their selfishness in the most altruistic endeavors, as if their actions and feelings were more for the good of the other person? Do you see yourself in these pages?”
Yes. Yes I do, you quiet Truth-speaker. I’ve been called out. I’m the worst of them all. The words that have escaped my lips in the last few weeks have all been centered around the way I feel, the way I want to feel, the way they should make me feel. Me. Me. Always me. Lord, forgive my self-centeredness.
I’m thankful tonight that He rebukes those whom He loves. And I’m thankful that while He doesn’t spare the rod with this child, His grace is like a healing balm on these open wounds. Grace like an ocean, love like a hurricane, Godly sorrow that leads to repentance.