Tonight is for a glass of wine, listening to The Civil Wars’ debut album and catching up on The Bachelor. I chose to stay home instead of going to Old Chicago’s after Cru tonight. Why? Oh you know, the usual. Crappy day in more ways than one. Today, I’m nestling comfortably in the lies. I know, I know. Don’t preach at me; I know. They’re not completely true. I know.
But tonight, it is almost comfortable and familiar and comforting to think that I’m boring. I don’t have much of a personality. I’m not witty – and that, my friends, is a highly valued trait. I’d give anything to make people laugh so hard they pee their pants, but I’m afraid I’m much too serious for that. I’m not interesting – take away my heritage/nationality and my very odd quirks [like talking about bodily functions openly] and I’m afraid you’ll find nothing of interest there. I’m not well-read or well-traveled or well-spoken. I write better than I speak. I’m not incredibly musically talented; I play average guitar and sing averagely most days. I’m mostly introverted and slightly awkward when you first get to know me. I have no exciting plans for post-graduation; in fact, I have no plans at all. I can’t do/haven’t done the things that supposedly make you interesting and fun.
I paused for a while after that last paragraph, and in the silence, I distinctly heard, “Maybe I have you here in this ‘boxed in’ place so you can learn on a deep level that your worth isn’t found in what you do but in who you are. And you are enough.”
……………………….um, hello to you too, God?
I don’t yet know how to respond to that. He always surprises me when He responds so quickly and clearly to my aching heart.
Please don’t misunderstand the purpose of this post. This isn’t to make you feel sorry for me, or to elicit a certain type of response. Maybe I’m just trying to appear more human? Less put together? Less…wise? I’m just writing out my crappy thoughts, because they are also a part of my journey. I don’t always have the right words; sometimes, I just feel like poop and no words help. Sometimes I feel inadequate and I just want a glass of wine, solitude, a good cry, and The Bachelor. And I hope that’s okay.
Here’s to letting the world wide web know that my day sucked. I hope your day was better.