I’m starting afresh. The old is gone (or in the process of being kicked out), the new has come.
I am passionately loved by the Creator of all beauty. He desires me. He wants a relationship with me. He can’t get enough of me! He crowns me with his love and rejoices over me with singing! He paints a magnificent sunset just because he knows how much I love sunsets. He makes my city explode in breathtaking color because he knows how my heart swells surrounded by the autumn colors. He is the author of romance and he is constantly, daily, wooing me. Why did it take me this long to see? To understand? To believe?
Knowledge makes you proud. Love humbles you. I’ve known my entire life that I am loved by the King. I’ve known about his character. I’ve known his heart. But just this week, he wooed me to a place where I’m beginning to believe his love, his heart, his unchanging character in ways that I’ve never done before. And I am so amazed at what I’m discovering.
You see, as a little girl, I learned to hide my heart in an effort to keep it safe. Life experiences taught me that it was safer to hide than to trust, better to wound than be wounded. I specialized in fortress construction. My fortress was strong, formidable, daunting even to the most skilled garrison. The walls were thick, composed of many layers so that even if you managed to get through one, you would still be lightyears from the core. All this to say, I know how to hide. I have years of practice. But I’ve also learned that my self-constructed strategies for safety do not work. Hiding does not heal old wounds. It just turns them to festering sores.
As an adult, at least in the eyes of the legal system, I’m being asked to trust, to set free the little girl I’ve locked up for years. The girl who never got a chance to feel – to laugh when life was good and to weep when it hurt. This is a process marked with tears and pain, but also with joy and freedom and beauty. He’s taken me to deep places in my own heart where I’m still cowering behind my fortress and he’s not just asking me to trust, he’s wooing me out of the dark and into the light. This is only the beginning.
He’s also opened my eyes to my Enemy’s ploys. The lies I’ve believed all these years – that I’m not enough yet at the same time too much – all those lies come from my Enemy. And those lies still live with me. They are comfortable and familiar. But I now recognize the constant war being fought for my heart – and I know who wins in the end. So I will fight the long, hard fight. In every moment when I find myself believing those lies, I will speak out in truth. I will no longer call myself Deserted, Desolate, Invisible. I will call myself His Beloved, Desired, Beautiful. And I will say it till I believe it. No Satan, you will not win this time.