Half-Cakes & Entitlement

“I feel like I’ve worked through my relationship with God pretty well. I don’t doubt the things I used to, and I’m now 100% confident in his affection for me. My problem is humans. They’re fickle and unreliable and unsafe.”

He just laughed at me, probably for a whole minute. It wasn’t the reaction I was expecting - I was being completely serious. But he chuckled and said, “Well, that’s a funny thing to say.” And then he said something else that I’ve been carrying around in my heart for the last few weeks; something that keeps coming up when my [unreasonable] expectations of other people aren’t met.

“You’re thinking of this the wrong way. If this is a cake, you’ve cut it in half making one side ‘God’s side’ and the other side ‘everyone else’s side’. You say, ‘I’ve got the God side figured out, now I just need the other side to complete my cake.’ God’s love and acceptance isn’t half of the cake – it’s the whole cake. If you’re expecting to find the right group of friends or the right guy to complete the other side of the cake, you’ll never find it. Everything else other than who He is is icing on the cake – a blessing to be thankful for, not something you’re entitled to.”

I still heave a loud sigh every time I go back and read that portion of my rapidly scribbled journal entry after our session. I didn’t think that one of the first things my therapist would tell me was that I needed to lower my expectations. But here I am, two weeks later, still processing that one thought. Still unsure how to adapt to that method of thinking.

In relationships, I expect authenticity, grace, genuine concern, maturity, consistency. In reality, I’m bathed daily in His authenticity, grace, genuine concern, maturity, consistency. Any other expressions of these qualities should be considered a surplus, not a source of sustenance. I get frustrated with people quickly because the expectations I have of them are less about healthy relationships and more about looking for sustenance where it can’t be found.

Somehow, I believe this way of thinking makes you a more grateful person. If I don’t think I’m entitled to certain things, and if I live with the awareness that I already possess the things I so desperately crave, then everything else becomes a gift and the absence of certain things doesn’t leave me with an emotional deficit.

At least that sounds nice in theory. I’m still struggling to see the whole cake instead of the unsatisfactory half-cake mirage I’ve been looking at for years.

Therapeutic Love

It’s the best decision I’ve made in years, I think. Something I’ve always wanted to do but never actually took steps towards. I’m finally, finally, finally seeking counseling. I am now one of the elite masses who sees a therapist. You know how much I love that? More than I love a good foodgasm, and that’s saying a lot.

I was expecting to be hovering around the brink of broke for the next few months – counseling is no cheap matter. I spent hours  revising my budget for the summer to make sure I could afford to shell out the hundreds of dollars per session and still be able to cook myself extravagant meals every once in a while, go the concert of my dreams (Bon Iver & Feist, incase you were wondering), and go on a long-awaited California vacation with my roommate. I knew it would be tight, but you can’t put a price tag on getting healthy can you?

I thought about setting up a “Getting Healthy Fund” with only one donor – my mother. Then maybe I could have a couple hundred dollars to spare for the fun summer things like wedding gifts and lingerie for bachelorette parties and the like. I haven’t gotten around to asking my mother yet.

Then I checked the mail on my way out this morning and found a letter from a friend on the East Coast. Letters make me happy so my heart was already smiling by the time I opened it up and found a short note wrapped around an extravagant check. The note talked about how said friend was proud of me for seeking counseling. And it ended with this sentence:

“Take this as practice in letting people love you without them wanting something in return.”

How do I deserve these people I call my friends? Here’s the answer: I don’t. I really don’t. But I’m going to try and stop figuring out why they love me and just let them. I cried my eyes out – in public nonetheless – because I was overwhelmed by the kindness and sincerity. That check could’ve been for $5 and I would have cried regardless. The idea that someone loves me enough to sacrifice financially to help me fulfill a dream of being healthy is something that makes me feel unworthy and immensely loved all at once.

I’m in therapy because, amongst a multitude of other things, I don’t know how to let people love me. When I read that note, I immediately wanted to do something in return, or just not ever deposit the check. But I’m slowly learning to let down my guard and accept unconditional love, even though I’m so terribly used to experiencing and expecting conditional love.

See? I’m already getting healthier.

I’m overwhelmed by love today, and I decided to write about something happy instead of just the difficult things. To the one who made me cry for joy this morning – I love you, and I will make you so proud with how much I grow and change through therapy. You are beautiful, and you make my heart swell.

Interested or Not?

I have only mildly coherent thoughts tonight, yet here I am writing. It’s mostly because I owe it to all of you beautiful people out there who – wonder of all wonders – actually read my blog regularly. I don’t want to disappear for too long at a time, so I’ll let you in on where my head has been over the last couple of weeks:

Men.

Limbo land.

Men and limbo land.

You know that place? The one where you’re friends with some dapper, Jesus-lovin’, good music appreciatin’, can whip up a delectable meal in the kitchen type of guy, and then one day (or honestly, since the day you met them) you realize that you are actually romantically interested in said fellow, but you have no clue on earth how he feels about you? That place. I really, truly have a strong distaste for that place.

I think limbo land can be healthy for a short while. And as one of my recently married friends pointed out, it’s a different kind of excitement that you don’t feel when you’re both sure of your affection. So yeah, limbo land can be enjoyable. But my problem is that I tend to live there. Plant roots, build a home, raise kids even. With multiple people all at once. And it gets old, and frighteningly polyamorous, real fast.

I just want to know either way. Yes or no. I like you or I don’t even remember that you’re a girl. I never want my face to be in any close proximity to yours or I don’t want to know where your face ends and where mine begins. It would just be so nice to know.

So I’m trying out this thing where I’m only renting out a studio apartment in limbo land on a month-to-month lease agreement. I’m not making any friends so it’s easier to get up and leave. I’m certainly not raising any kids. And I’m making a conscious effort to push myself out of limbo land. It includes things like putting myself out there as honestly as possible, which since we’re being honest, I actually have no idea how to do. Turns out text messages with smileys or winkey faces aren’t actually “putting yourself out there.” Someone should have told me that a long time ago.

And the thing is, in most cases, either direction works just fine. Of course, I hope more for the butterflies and rainbows direction but I do love and appreciate solid, real, platonic friendships with people whose emotions don’t follow a menstrual cycle. But it’s hard to know where you stand when everything could mean anything and everyone’s all happy and huggy and intently gazing into each other’s eyes during conversations.

There should be a manual for getting out of limbo land. A map, if you will. If you have one, do share. It would also help if I wasn’t THE most oblivious woman in the history of women. I think I’ve probably been offered a few rides out of limbo land in the past but I’ve been too clueless to realize it. But when all is said and done, limbo land and I just cannot coexist for much longer. Not if I don’t want to die an old maid, that is. Even unrequited love is more manageable than being in limbo. Or is that taking it a little too far?

Now that you know what has been consuming my thoughts, I bid you adieu.

Celebrating Unanswered Prayers

Sometimes we complain about never hearing any yeses from God, and only hearing nos instead. It seems like He’s silent when we want His nod of approval, but emphatically against the things we really desire. My reality, however, has been vastly different recently.

Over the last six months I’ve heard more yeses than I bargained for. There were a few things I would’ve been fine hearing a no about. But God was not only speaking clearly, He was affirming the things I was asking him for. I thought, of course, that His yes meant that things would turn out like I wanted. I thought that if He wasn’t stopping me from going ahead with these plans and these people, it meant that my vision of the future was accurate.

What I didn’t take into consideration was the fact that I had specifically asked Him to give me a sense of unease if these decisions would be harmful to my heart in the long run. He did exactly what I asked – just not in the way I expected.

None of the situations where I heard a definite “Yes” panned out the way I thought they would. But if He never said yes, I would have promptly extracted myself from the process. And all along, his plan was the process. He knew we wouldn’t end up together, but He said yes so that I would learn things about myself that I needed to face – learning what I actually need as well as how willing I am to compromise my needs for what’s readily available. He knew that I wouldn’t actually get the internship of my dreams, but He gave a firm yes so that I could finally figure out who I am and what I want. The process of trying to convince an organization to choose me showed me that I, contrary to my old beliefs, have a lot to offer. It showed me that I’m being useful and fruitful right where I’m at.

My process has been one of self-discovery and truth-telling. I’m learning to be honest with myself about who I really am, and honest with the people around me as well. As I learned from this incredible TED talk, the original definition of courage is simply to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. I’m learning courage. My process has led me away from unhealthy, immature relationships that I would never have had the audacity to walk away from otherwise. It’s opened up new doors for new relationships that are being built on healthy foundations. My process has shown me the depths of my own self-loathing, my insecurities, my lack of boundaries, my propensity for blaming others, my unhealthy desire to emotionally control people.

There’s just no way to describe in words the newness I have found in the small steps I’ve taken to be free of my old ways. My roommate suggested that we recreate our photoshoot from last August just so we could document the stark differences in the people we used to be and the ones we are today. It’s that obvious. Everyone I catch up with these days begins by saying, “You seem so happy.” And I am. I’m exuding bliss from my very pores.

All because of the process. A year ago, I would’ve been shattered by the recent series of events in my life. I would’ve questioned God’s character – how could He say yes when He knew it wouldn’t happen? How could He lie to me? But today, I can finally see that sometimes, his Yes is given because He knows the process will change me more than the end result I’m asking for. Sometimes we simply need to be transformed so that we realize that what we asked for isn’t really what we needed or truly desired after all.

Don’t get me wrong, this process has been difficult, painful, and emotionally draining at times. But the beauty of being such an introspective person is that right now I can see myself being unfurled, transformed, set free. This is the kind of pain I welcome with open arms – the pain that strips me of the decaying, unhealthy parts and forces me into the light, and into growth. And this will be the pattern for the rest of my life because, as I’ve previously written, I don’t believe in the destination points anymore. This process is what changes me. Here’s to not dating that guy, and not moving to California – the best unanswered prayers of my year.

Selah [In My Own Words]

Selah: to pause and reflect.

It feels wonderful to be writing in my own voice again. This last month has changed me in ways I could never have predicted. My opinions were challenged, the faulty lenses through which I viewed life were shattered, and my equilibrium was restored. I am a new woman.

At the beginning of April, I believed in “the one.” I believed that decisions were life or death, make it or break it. I believed that there was one right way to do things, a right way to be. I thought I was just like every other 20-something when it came to career goals. But I realized, somewhere between those twelve interviews, that I’ve lived my life shackled to the ground by fear. My imagination runs wild yet my feet remain unmoved. I’ve been so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I never did anything at all. I operated under the false assumption that if I didn’t make the right decision, if I didn’t pick the right person, if I didn’t say the right thing, the entire world would collapse. I thought the world needed me in order to stay in orbit.

I’ve been far too obsessed with being the perfect version of myself – the one who’s wise beyond her years and always says and does the right thing. I’ve attempted to woo perfection all my life and failed miserably. So I turned my attention to fixing – fixing things and situations and people around me as a way to avoid my own brokenness. But I’m still broken. And you know, this person I am today loves the brokenness. The minute I accepted my imperfection and brokenness – at 3am on a quiet, insomnia-inspired night of journaling – I felt freer than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

I’m broken. I’m imperfect. I make terrible decisions and say hurtful things. And so does everyone else in this broken world. If I could scream that to the universe without waking my sleeping roommate up right now, I would. I. FEEL. FREE.

And the most beautiful thing I’m learning? I’ve always viewed my life as various destination points. Primary school. Secondary school. Moving across continents. College. Graduation. Real life, whatever that means. Grad school. Moving to a new city. Meeting “the one”. Getting married. Being a mom. These were all destination points for me. As if each segment of my journey was necessary only to lead me to these destinations. I made these destinations a huge deal, subconsciously thinking of them as multiple reset buttons. But I’m learning that those aren’t actually destinations. And life isn’t about those time points. The act of moving halfway across the world didn’t change me. Walking across the stage at my graduation didn’t change me. What continues to change me is today. The present. The process.

Today, I choose to find contentment and peace in where I am and what I’ve been given. Today, I choose to live in the present instead of analyzing the future that’s not even promised in the first place. Today, I choose to treasure the quiet moments, and pause to offer up thanks when I find something beautiful inside myself and in the world around me. It’s these little choices, day after day, that make me who I am. And who I am is far greater than what career choice I make, or where I’ll be in September. I could be working for the organization of my dreams and be dissatisfied. I could remain in Fort Collins and be dissatisfied. I could be dating an awesome man and be restless, or I could be single and restless. It’s not about the external time markers, the big celebrations, the time points. It’s the day-to-day choice to love the journey because it is forever. At the end of my life, I want to be the kind of woman in whose presence you feel at rest, inspired, valued. I don’t want to be just the one with the most accolades.

What a beautiful thought that I’m free to just be in this moment. Life lasts forever and is seemingly short all at the same time. I believed, in theory, that we were made for pleasure – to drink our fill of Love and Divine Presence and Beauty. In reality, I lived like I was made for practicality – to make good decisions and be the most moral, perfectionist version of myself possible. Now, I’m trying to live like I believe I was made for pleasure. I refuse to waste any more days being somewhere other than the place I’m in. I’m embracing joy and sorrow, laughter and tears, goodbyes and hellos, the mistakes and successes.

How did I get all of this from conducting twelve interviews? I’m not sure either. But I’m basking in the joy of my newly discovered outlook on life. I won’t soon forget these many words that have been exchanged over the last month. I began the 20-Somethings Series wanting to garner advice and thoughts from the people I know so that, when faced with my own decisions, I’d make the right ones. I wanted to collect enough good advice to keep up my charade of perfection. And here I am, completely wrecked by the realization that my preoccupation with the right decisions was simply based on fear. Fear that I am now ridding myself of. How magnificent.

I asked everyone for the best advice they’ve been given on love. Here’s mine. Stay curious; we become disinterested in the other person when we believe we know all there is to know. People are endless oceans of intricacies; there’s always more to discover. And (adopted from one of the interviewees who chooses to remain anonymous), fight naked; see how long you can stay mad at each other when you’re both naked.

Thank you all for reading and blowing up my traffic stats in one month. Cheers to you, and the rest of this journey together.

The 20-Somethings Part XII

I saved the best for last. Grace is my very best friend, my sister at heart, and my lover if I don’t ever find a guy I can be as comfortable around as I am with her. Ours is a friendship built on immediate honesty, and that trusty foundation is pretty immovable. I’m super proud of her for chasing after her dreams and moving to New York to work with a fashion startup called Of A Kind. And I’m even prouder that she’s sticking it out through the hard times. Also, she photo-blogs here. Without further ado, here’s my bestie!

HMHW: What do you look for in a group of friends at this age?
Grace: Since moving to New York after graduation, I feel like I’ve been looking for people like my college friends, which is harder than it seems. It would be really awesome to find friends who are interested in the same things I am, and who accept you for who you are. They don’t necessarily have to be on your side all the time, but having supportive people would be nice. And basically, I feel like I’ve already met those people but it’s hard because I left for a completely different place and I had to start from scratch. It’s hard to make friends in a new city, and that’s not to say that I don’t want to hang out with the friends I’ve been hanging out with here, but there’s a very specific ideal I have for friends that is kind of hard to meet because I’ve met them already. It’s sort of like your first love – you compare everyone else to them.
HMHW: Awwww….

HMHW: Do you believe in types?
Grace: I think jokingly I always say that I have a type, and I think people can be attracted to a certain type of physical appearance. And I guess I tend to gravitate towards people who have similar personalities, but I think it’s just a way to generalize people. I don’t think I have a type; even though I obviously gravitate towards certain people, it doesn’t mean I won’t give others a chance.

HMHW: Do you have career goals? Do you see yourself remaining in the same career for the rest of your life?
Grace: I thought I had it figured out when I graduated. I was in a really good situation where I got this awesome internship in New York and at the end of it I wasn’t sure I would get hired, but I did. And it was sort of this magical playing out of events, and here I am seven months later, and I don’t really know what I’m good at or what I really want to do. It’s sort of hard because there was that illusion that it had all worked out for me. It’s kind of like the movies where a romantic comedy ends when they get together, but they don’t show anything after that. Everything takes work, and you’re always growing. There are definitely things I wish I could explore, like working in a museum or working with nonprofits – there are just so many careers that I don’t even know about right now that I’m sure I’d be interested in trying.

HMWH: How valuable are your friendships with other women?
Grace: SO valuable. I like being one of the dudes and joking around with them, but I think there are just some things that guys don’t really care about or can’t really relate to. The women friends that I’ve made are the sort of people who are crazy supportive and are really strong people who inspire me. I’ve met some really great women in New York who are so supportive, and such great listeners, and I would have a much harder time if I didn’t have them around.

HMHW: What about your friendships with men?
Grace: I think I used to be in the school of “guys and girls can’t be friends without one being interested in the other.” Yes, that may be true in some cases – I think everyone’s always wondering if things could work out romantically. But I think it’s also nice to have a male perspective on things. This is a very gendered outlook that I have, but a lot of my guy friends are really logical and straightforward and it’s a really good complement to my personality where I overanalyze the shit out of everything. So it’s nice to have their logical perspective.

HMHW: Do you believe in the one? If so, do you believe they were chosen for you from before time, or that they become the one when you choose them?
Grace: I don’t believe in the one. Do you remember if I ever have?
HMHW: Maybe around freshman year? But other than that, I wouldn’t say so.
Grace: I don’t think so. This is going to sound like a cop out, but I haven’t really thought about that lately. I haven’t really thought about having a relationship with someone, and I can’t really see myself in ten years with someone. I just have so much on my mind with where I am right now as a young woman in my early twenties. It’s interesting to contrast how boy-crazy I was back in college, and now, I don’t even have to force myself to not think about them. So no, I don’t believe in the one; I think relationships are 90% work.

HMHW: How do you make decisions about your future in this season of life? Has that changed from before?
Grace: Well, I’ve been rolling a die so that’s a pretty big change. No, seriously, it’s been really hard. The way I make I decisions is the same way I’ve been doing it my whole life – it’s about deliberating and weighing the consequences of things. I feel like I don’t handle consequences very well, and I’m really hard on myself. I think it’s interesting to look at how people make decisions. Some people make decisions, then discover it’s wrong and then try and correct it, and it turns out fine. But for me, I don’t like feeling like I made the wrong decision, but I know that’s silly because it’s all about the process and how you deal with it. It’s hard to let go of weighing everything because it lets me feel like I have control over things.

HMHW: What’s your perception of the differences between masculinity and femininity? Do you think it varies from gender to gender or from person to person?
Grace: I think there’s a range in there. Gender is interesting because a lot of times when we talk about it, we talk about polar opposities. But I think gender is a spectrum, and it varies from person to person. We usually talk about gender as defined – women are supposed to do this and dress like this and act like this and say these things, and men are supposed to do the other things. I don’t think that’s the way it works, but it’s simpler to classify gender that way. On an individual basis, you can communicate being in different places on the spectrum. But in a society, I think it’s harder to be that specific.

HMHW: What would you say is the most important lesson you’ve learned in the last year?
Grace: It’s important to get out of your comfort zone. To be honest, it’s been a really challenging year, uprooting myself from a place I was really comfortable in. It was really exciting at the beginning, but you get there and it’s not what you expected. It’s really hard to be in that situation, but it’s also really important because I think the hard parts of life are where you’re growing the most. And it’s important to embrace situations like that.

I also learned that relationships are work. I obviously have to keep up my relationships with friends who live in Colorado, and my parents live in Saudi, but it’s interesting living in New York because you don’t necessarily see your friends here. Some people you see once every few weeks, and it takes a lot of effort and energy to make a friendship work here. You have to get on the train and travel for thirty minutes, or find time in your ten hour work day to send someone an email or text message to make plans.

HMHW: Do you feel any pressure to be thinking about/preparing for marriage? If so, is the pressure from within or without?
Grace: Right now, I don’t actually. If anything, that pressure would most likely come from my parents above anybody else, or maybe an internal fear of being alone for the rest of my life. But that really hasn’t hit me yet, and I don’t know if it’s going to hit me. Maybe it’s just this time of life, but I don’t have a fear of being single for the rest of my life. I mean, sometimes I do, but that’s mostly after watching rom-coms and seeing cute couples. But for the most part, I don’t really have that feeling.

HMHW: Do you think you’re making the most of your single life?
Grace: Yeah, definitely. Not that I’m making out with everyone I see, but I like the attention that I’m allowed to receive without worrying about a boyfriend’s feelings. I enjoy flirting with people – which is a new thing for me because I’ve been such a one-guy-at-a-time type of person. And the other thing I’ve been thinking about is that I don’t think I’d like sharing a bed with someone. Living alone is really nice – coming home and eating whenever you want, and having things running on your schedule is really nice. I’m definitely not taking that for granted. The thought of living with someone for the rest of your life and  planning out when you’re going to eat breakfast is just exhausting.
You’re nodding your head a lot, which means you must agree with me.
HMHW: Or maybe I’m just a good interviewer…
Grace: Nope, because you don’t nod your head after everything I say.
HMHW: Yeah, I agree with you. I’d miss my autonomy a lot when I got married.
Grace: I know you would; it’s such a nice thing to have.

HMHW: What are your thoughts on modesty and its effect or lack thereof on daily life?
Grace: This goes a couple ways. First, I’ve noticed that no matter what you’re wearing – even if you’re wearing baggy clothes – you’re still going to get yelled at or hollered at on the streets. And I think it’s unfair that just because of my inherent physical traits, like long hair or my face or my butt or breasts, it’s apparently okay for someone to holler at me or make comments about me. No matter how “modest” I dress, I don’t think it’s a preventative measure in terms of being harassed on the streets. But on the other hand, in terms of your interactions with people you want attention from, I feel more comfortable not showing too much. I just think there’s a double standard with modesty, and it’s crappy because I’d like to have ownership of my body.

HMHW: Do you believe in the ability to be ready for marriage? Do you have factors that will indicate your readiness?
Grace: My first instinct is to say no. I think you can prepare as much as possible for anything, but you can’t predict what it’s actually going to be like. You can have an idea of what it’s like to be married but part of being married is constantly learning about another person, and that’s the propeller that keeps it going. You can’t be ready for marriage, just like you’re never really ready for most life decisions.

HMHW: What are your opinions on being pursued/pursuing based on gender roles?
Grace: Okay, this is a question that I have had on my mind. Honestly, when it comes down to it, I am sort of old-fashioned in the sense that I prefer to be pursued and to not have to make the move. I’ve found myself in situations where I make the move and it seems to work in getting the ball rolling, but I don’t like it because I like to feel like I’m worth someone going out on a limb for. On the other hand, I don’t like the idea of being so entitled to the idea of a guy initiating. I think it’s important for women to also be encouraging and open and helpful.

HMHW: What’s been the hardest part of being a 20-something?
Grace: Aren’t all my answers about the hardest part of being a 20-something? *laughs* I think the decision-making is the hardest part because I feel like a lot of decisions we have to make right now are make it or break it decisions. When you graduate college, it feels like you’re given a reset button and that’s why it’s so difficult because you have to make a whole new set of decisions that you’ve never thought about before. That’s the scariest part of being a 20-something. But the thing is, everyone has to go through it.

The 20-Somethings Part XI

Kailin & David probably don’t know how often I think, “Aww, I want to be young and cool and married to my best friend!” simply because of them. They’re  perfect for each other, and they give me such hope They’ve been married for almost two years, and I secretly adore their relationship.

HMHW: What do you look for in a group of friends at this age?
Kailin: I don’t know, that’s hard. For me, I think it’s people that I feel like I can relate to on some level.
David: People that we come in contact with on a regular basis – like people from the church and stuff.
Kailin: I think I’m now at the age where it’s changed from knowing people in multiple places, to just work and church and the communities in there. It’s a different phase of life now.

HMHW: Fill in the blank: I’m a closet _____ fan.
David: If I had to pick a genre of music, probably techno. It’s my downfall.
Kailin: Call of Duty. I used to make fun of David for playing it and thought it was a stupid and gross game, and then I talked to my sister-in-law who said she started playing it with her husband to kind of be his “playmate”. I hated the idea of it (I have NEVER been a video game player) but since David enjoyed it, one day I just decided to try it, just to be able to say I that I even tried it and still hated it. And now I am usually the one asking David if he wants to play. I’m not good at it. It’s a guilty pleasure actually… and I never thought I would hear myself say that.

HMHW: Do you believe in types?
Kailin: Yes and no. Before I met David, I would’ve said absolutely. And then when I met David, I would’ve said not at all. But now that I know him better…
David: Well, if you look for a certain type of person, the more you get to know them the more you realize that they’re not the person you thought they were in the first place.
Kailin: I don’t think I believe in types in terms of hair color, skin color, height, etc. Definitely not physical characteristics, but what you find attractive in their hearts. [The physical characteristics] might be what stick out to you but it doesn’t mean they’ll stick.
David: I think they’re a lot less important than you think.

HMHW: Do you have career goals? Do you see yourself remaining in the same career for the rest of your life?
David: I started my career while I was still in high school, but I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing now. Got my degree in graphic design but I work as a product definition engineer, which is kinda not at all the same thing. And I think even my career goals have changed – coming out of college, I wanted to do graphic design but now I want to do development stuff, writing code. So at some point, it would be cool to have my own business doing web design and development.
Kailin: Yeah, I feel similarly. I love where I work right now – I work at WIC. And the more that I work with women and kiddos, the more I love doing that. I can definitely see myself there for a long time, but I also want to incorporate nutrition, and women, and counseling, and now breastfeeding. That’s where I see myself right now, but I realize that the more goals and plans I make for myself, the more I realize that life doesn’t always go that way.

HMHW: What do you know now of marriage that you wish someone had told you before you got married?
Kailin: I have a really basic one. Don’t plan to leave at 7am the next morning for your honeymoon. That is the stupidest thing I think we did. After a long day, the last thing you want to do is not sleep in.
David: It’s obvious but, be open to change. Everything is different – but really good.
Kailin: I think people always talked about how hard the first year of marriage is, and I wish someone would’ve just said, “Get ready to enjoy it.” Because we were told that the first year is really hard and to expect lots of problems, but our first year was amazing. And I wish we hadn’t had the pressure there of expecting it to be really, really hard. Cause every marriage is different – some people might have a difficult first year of marriage and some people might not.

HMHW: What’s your definition of guarding your heart?
David: Everyone has a face that they wear, and showing only that side of yourself is in some way guarding your heart.
Kailin: But do you think that’s good or bad? Should you do that?
David: I think to a point maybe.
Kailin: I think my answer, especially if you’re a girl who feels pressure to get married, would be to let someone deserve that part of you before you just give it up. And not in a way where you’re holding back or not letting anyone in, but I’ve seen too many girls that want marriage so badly that they’re willing to give everything up before the other person proves that they’re worthy of it.
David: I think you also have to be comfortable telling something about yourself to someone else before you do it. I think if you’re going to question it later, then maybe you weren’t actually comfortable sharing that in the first place.
Kailin: Yeah, but that’s one of those things where everyone gives you a recipe for how it should be done, but there isn’t one correct way to do it.

HMHW: How do you make decisions about your future in this season of life? Has that changed from before?
Kailin: I’d say it’s definitely changed. I used to be the kind of person that would move every year or two, and I really liked adventure so I would just pick up and go on a whim. And now, there’s just more to the picture. But I think it was really natural, it wasn’t like I was held back from doing any of those things by any means. You just have another person to put before yourself now.
David: I think for me, it’s changed as well. Back in college, I had big, end goals – I wanted to graduate college so for four years of my life, I was just going with the flow until I was done with that. Now, it’s much more about the daily, smaller goals. Now, there’s a lot more planning.
Kailin: I think it’s also being okay with disagreeing, though. In knowing that one person wants something different than the other, you don’t make abrupt decisions that would frustrate the other person, but instead you talk about it.

HMHW: Do you believe in the one?
David: I don’t. To me, that feels like predestination – saying that God specifically ordains the person you’re going to be with. I think he knows what choices we’re going to have to make and the outcome of those choices, and he knows us so well that he knows what we’re going to decide. But I don’t think he chooses the things for us.
Kailin: I don’t know that I would maintain this answer, but I think you get to choose for sure. Before meeting David, I would’ve said no, I don’t believe in the one. But I felt very led to him before I even knew him, and I definitely did have a choice. But the way things fell into place, it felt like they were kind of beyond my control, and it made me feel like I was supposed to end up with him. I think God speaks differently to different people, and maybe for me I just needed an abrupt, “Stop and listen, I want you to do this” where for some people, it’s not like that.
David: I think that happens in all aspects of life. God will open doors and say, “I know the outcomes of this,” but he still leaves the choice up to us. He either chooses to bless our choices or not bless them.

HMHW: What’s the best/worst advice you’ve ever been given on the topic of love and relationship?
David: I think I heard from almost every other single guy that knew that I was engaged, that I just needed to learn and memorize two words: You’re right. I think it’s okay to disagree, and if you just always default to “You’re right,” you’re just distancing yourself. That might avoid conflict, but it might not always be the best thing.
Kailin: I think the best advice was from marriage counseling, where we were told that most marriages end in divorce because of either sex or money. So being aware of that, and being able to talk about it is really good.
David: We went through Financial Peace University, which helped us to be on the same page about money. And that helped reduced disagreements over financial stuff.

HMHW: What’s your perception of the differences between masculinity and femininity? Do you think it varies from gender to gender or person to person?
Kailin: I think there’s definitely a difference. I think a lot of times your personality is different from your masculinity and femininity. There’s still a “you” within that realm of masculinity and femininity. You can be a girl that doesn’t like to put on heels and an apron, but that doesn’t mean you’re not feminine. And you can be a guy that doesn’t sit down to watch football with a beer, and still be manly.
David: Culture has these predefined roles that you shall play if you are male or female, and that’s not really accurate. And I think it also varies from person.

HMHW: What kinds of things challenge your masculinity and femininity?
Kailin: Well, this is one of my soapboxes, but being the woman who is always on a diet or constantly talking about weight. I’ve seen it hurt people so many times. Just the idea of sitting down at dinner [with other women] and discussing how many pounds this one lost, and what diet the other is on, disgusts me. I don’t even want to be a part of those conversations, but I feel like I’m expected to as a woman.

HMHW: Were you scared of the commitment of marriage even though you knew that you loved each other?
David: I was almost scared by how okay I was with the commitment. I think I was supposed to be afraid but it wasn’t the case.
Kailin: I was afraid of it before David, completely. I was afraid that it would cause a lot of stress and fights and brokenness, and then David kind of changed that perspective. I didn’t think I would get married until I was at least 30, and I got married at 22.

HMHW: Do you feel like you’ve had to sacrifice parts of yourself that you didn’t expect in marriage?
Kailin: No, I don’t think so. I think you get to the point where you want to; you don’t see it as a sacrifice but more as a joint thing.
David: I don’t think so either. There are all these expectations people have of marriage, and after you’re married you find out that most of them were just wrong. I think going into it trying to have no expectations of how anything is going to happen is much better. But I don’t feel like I had to sacrifice anything.

HMHW: What are your opinions on joint bank accounts?
David: [Andy] always says that you can tell someone’s priorities by their bank statement, and I think that’s totally true. Being able to have that open between you two is pretty good.
Kailin: I think for our relationship, it’s vital. For me at least, it allows me to feel like we’re on a team and that we make decisions together, but I also know that people in other marriages have separate bank accounts and it works great for them. I don’t think I would ever be comfortable with it, just because I’d rather have everything together, but I know that the opposite works just fine for other people.
David: I think if we did have separate bank accounts, we would have avoided a lot of discussion that needed to happen.
Kailin: I would’ve spent a lot more money on coffee…

HMHW: Do you think you made the most of your single life?
Kailin: I really do. I loved being single – I spent a semester in France and then I moved to Colorado all by myself, and I loved that independence. I think I got a lot out of that independence, but also learned the value of not being alone.
David: Yeah, I don’t think I ever really had huge plans of things I wanted to do before I got married. So I don’t really feel like I missed out on anything, and I definitely wouldn’t go back and change it.
Kailin: And I think there’s a misconception that once you get married you can’t do all the things you once wanted to do. I’ve found that you either have someone to do them with, or you have someone’s support behind you when you want to do it. So I don’t really feel like there’s a huge difference between single life and married life in terms of goals and dreams.

HMHW: Most embarrassing dating story.
Kailin: *laughing* You can talk about how you hugged me, and then hugged me again…
David: Okay, I’m extremely shy and nervous, and there were several times when we would go on a date and I would take her home, walk her to the door, and end up hugging her twice because I couldn’t work up the nerve to kiss her.
Kailin: *still laughing* He would turn around and come and hug me again!
David: With plans to kiss her that time, but it just didn’t happen!
HMHW: Did you know while all this was going on?
Kailin: Oh, I knew. And I told myself that I would not kiss him first, and so I didn’t. It was like six weeks of not kissing him – it seemed like a very long time.
David: I have one that surprised me a lot – one of our first dates was on the 4th of July, and I found out that she’s the biggest pyro I’ve ever met. We go out and light sparklers and she’s like, “Here, catch!” and she’s tossing them at me!
Kailin: Yeah, I really do love fire. 4th of July probably wasn’t a good first date.
David: I wasn’t expecting that. But it’s good cause I’m a pyro too, so it worked out.

HMHW: Do you believe in the ability to be ready for marriage? Did you have factors that indicated your readiness?
Kailin: I don’t think you can really be ready for it. Like I said, everyone says it’s going to be different than it is, for every couple. At the same time, if you haven’t talked about it with the other person yet or if you’re just rushing into it thinking it will be happily every after, then maybe you’re not ready. But once you’re in it, if you’re in it for the long haul, you’ll figure that stuff out.
David: If you feel like you’re ready to be married, just generally not necessarily to a specific person, then you probably have a lot of expectations that are going to be proved wrong or different. I think there are also some people who are ready to be married for the sake of being married, but not necessarily ready for marriage.

HMHW: What are your opinions on pursuing/being pursued in terms of gender roles?
Kailin: I was very traditional with that. I had no problem giving my number out or expressing interest, but I felt like it was very important to be the one that was pursued. Also – and I don’t think it’s wrong for a girl to kiss a guy first – I had decided to not kiss first.
David: And she’s very stubborn…
Kailin: But if you’re confident and know that you want to go on a date with a guy, then why not ask?

HMHW: What’s been the hardest part of being a 20-something?
Kailin: I’d say expectations of what your twenties are supposed to look like. You’re supposed to graduate from college, and get a job, and get married, and then figure out how many years to wait before having kids. Should you wait a long time or should you have them right away? Which pressure do you feel the most? Those expectations are just really difficult. I’ve just kinda given up on that; do it when it’s right for you.
David: I can’t really think of any others, but I agree with that.
Kailin: And one more thing, the thing I hate most about the twenties is that it is such a transitional phase. You get to know and love a person, and then they move away. There’s this investment in people, and then you have to say goodbye. It’s a very transient season, and it’s hard. And it’s especially hard when we’ve been here and we don’t see ourselves leaving for a while, but everyone else just goes in and out of our lives. And I’m not good at goodbyes.

The 20-Somethings Part X

Thomas is one of those few intentional, easy to talk to guys, which made this interview super fun. We enjoyed a few business classes together in college, the best most definitely being our capstone course taught by an Israeli professor with a French accent. Never figured that one out. He is a phenomenal photographer, and used to write here more frequently. Enjoy!

HMHW: What do you look for in a group of friends at this age?
Thomas: Consistency. I like a friend that’s gonna be there for me when I need them, and a friend that I can be there to help through their stuff. Someone that’s willing to roll with the inconsistencies that come with being a 23-year-old person in college.

HMHW: Fill in the blank: I’m a closet _______ fan.
Thomas: I do listen to a lot of Taylor Swift…

HMHW: Do you believe in types?
Thomas: Kind of. I mean, I believe in personalities meshing well with each other, you know? I don’t know that I would say I believe in types – I don’t think I have a type but I also wouldn’t date someone who was flying off the rails crazy. I believe in having an intellectual match because if the way that you think meshes well with the way your partner thinks, you will communicate a lot better and maintain a relationship a lot better than someone who doesn’t understand you.

HMHW: Do you have career goals? Do you see yourself remaining in the same career for the rest of your life?
Thomas: My career goal right now is to find a finance job in New York City. That’s the start of it; I want it to be to the point where I end up in a job that I love for a long time. My dad’s worked in the same job for like thirty years and he says that he doesn’t love it, but he does because he’s been there for thirty years. I want to be somewhere where I’m comfortable in where I am, but still challenged by what I’m doing.

HMHW: Do you feel like you’re held to an impossible standard of perfection as a man, coming from women?
Thomas: *laughs out loud* I just don’t think of myself as anywhere close to perfect, and I pray to God that no one expects me to be. I mean, lately the idea of not being single has been so far from my brain that I haven’t really thought about it.  I do feel like I’m expected to be polite, be a gentleman, and to follow the directions that God laid out for how men should treat women. But I don’t feel like I’m having to work all that hard at that.

HMHW: How valuable are friendships with your own gender to you?
Thomas: I used to not have many male friends, and I think it was because it was at a time when I was very concerned with women’s perception of me and the way that I portrayed myself to women. I was pretty immature. Now that I’ve grown into the place where I am right now, as far as how I interact with God and how I interact with the world as a whole, I’ve come to really enjoy my friendships with my close male friends. I can trust them to give me a fair judgment and opinion of who I am and how I’m dealing with the world. With my male friends, I’m more comfortable sitting down and having a theological discussion, and I’ve really come to value that a lot lately. That’s not to say that I couldn’t have those conversations with a woman, but the male friends I have right now I connect with on a deeper level. And that’s probably because I’ve known them a lot longer than I’ve known any of my female friends, but I feel like it’s also because men and women do think very differently, and my male friends understand where I’m coming from a little better.

HMHW: What about your friendships with women?
Thomas: I’d say they’re very valuable in a very nurturing kind of way. I guess I’ve not really thought about how ridiculously different friendships are between men and women as opposed to between just men. With my guy friends, we can have good theological conversations but we can also be ridiculously stupid. And that happens frequently. But coming from a situation where I lost my mother four-and-a-half years ago – and even before that we weren’t super close – I don’t rely on my friendships with women for my spiritual and emotional nurturing. But it’s nice because most of my female friends are more nurturing than most of my male friends; there’s a mutual sense of empathy for life.

HMHW: What’s your definition of guarding your heart?
Thomas: It’s difficult because there’s a detachment between the reality of your heart and the reality of the concept of your heart. I was actually reading one of my blog posts from a while ago about how big of a disconnect there is between my brain and my heart. For a long time, I had a really hard time letting people into my heart because my brain would say, “You’re gonna get hurt, watch out.” But on the other end of that, at heart I’m a very irrational person – I love to do crazy things sometimes. Ideally, I would love to have a guard up on my heart in the sense of not letting people into my heart whose character I can’t really judge, but in reality, I think my guard is a lot higher than that. Where I’m really at is a place where I’m looking for things that make me want to block people out, when I’d love to look for things that make me accept people.

HMHW: How do you make decisions about this season of your life? Has that changed from before?
Thomas: It’s definitely changed. A year and a couple months ago, I was on track to do this job that I thought was going to be so cool. And it sucked; I hated it. And seriously, in the last year and a half, everything I’ve planned has deteriorated. It’s interesting that you said “seasons of your life” because I’ve felt like I’ve been going through a season of spring – everything is new in my life, and who knows when trees are gonna blossom or when there’s gonna be a giant rainstorm. Now, it’s brought me closer to God and made me realize that I’m not in a place in my life where I can plan things out for a year. I’m in a place in life where I can pursue something that I desire to do, but also be ready and willing to go in another direction if God tells me to do that. Whereas before, I had a five-year plan; I knew where I was gonna be in five years. And guess what? I’m not there.

HMHW: Best/worst advice you’ve ever been given on the topic of love and relationships?
Thomas: Best advice came from my oldest sister – she’s a very smart woman. She’s always been very levelheaded even when I’ve talked to her about love and things like that, which is interesting because she met her husband in the tenth grade. I can be crazy sometimes and I can seem like I’m not that shy, whereas I’m actually terrified of entering into awkward situations, which is basically what romance is. She knows that I’m that way and she’s told me so many times to be myself. And if who I am isn’t good enough for the person I’m pursuing, then it gives me a reason to look into two things: first, is that person what I want and why am I interested in people that are looking for something that I don’t have? And second, is this person’s reasoning for not liking who I am valid? Do I need to look into myself and make changes? I know it’s pretty simple, but it’s probably the best advice I’ve received. When you’re a single adult, you’re not trying to impress anyone anymore; you’re trying to connect with people.

In terms of worst advice…I had a roommate for a while that I didn’t know before he moved in. He would go for girls first, and then decide if he liked them or not. Whenever we talked about relationships, he would kind of hint at the fact that you should just go for it and then see what happens. And he didn’t mean go on a few dates and see if you get along; he meant get into a relationship and evaluate after like six months. I’m very strongly against that because I feel like that’s so emotionally damaging.

HMHW: What’s your perception of the differences between masculinity and femininity? Do you think it varies by gender or by person?
Thomas: I think the perception of it varies from person to person. And I think it varies with people’s situations. Situationally, I am not very masculine by society’s definition, because I’m wearing really tight pants and canvas shoes with no socks right now. But I also enjoy being a man, and I enjoy the male duties bestowed upon me by God. I feel like femininity can also be perceived differently in different scenarios as well. So I think it depends on the person in the sense that they have different means of perceiving femininity and masculinity.

HMHW: What kinds of things challenge your masculinity in the way you think it should be expressed?
Thomas: I’d say the environment in which I live. I’m very feminine in Greeley, and seemingly masculine in Brooklyn. I would say other’s perceptions of who I am and the way that I act challenges my masculinity, because ideally you’d let it roll of your back and not care what other people think. But no one does that in my world. Otherwise, in regards to judgment from people closest to me, there isn’t that much. Because the people I’ve decided to surround myself with are those that are willing to take their friends as they are and celebrate them for that fact.

HMHW: Do you believe in the one? If so, do you believe they were chosen for you from before time, or that they become the one when you choose them?
Thomas: I believe in the one, and I think the reason I do is because of a story that I heard about year ago. I was sitting in the Student Center at CSU, and there were two girls talking really loudly a few tables away from me. They were talking about one of their friends whose parents had gotten divorced when she was really young. One of them was like, “Did you hear? I think her parents got back together. They were divorced and things were really bad for a long time, until one day it hit her dad while he was praying. He told God that he needed to be with the mother of his children. He called her, and she had had the exact same conversation with God the day before.”
HMHW: What?! That’s insane.
Thomas: I do believe in the one, but at the same time, I believe in freewill and I think that people can screw that up. I think you can be in a wonderful relationship with your “chosen partner” and completely mess it up, making yourself no longer the person you were when you entered that relationship, meaning that you’re no longer the one for that person.

HMHW: Most embarrassing dating story.
Thomas: One time, my first girlfriend and I – I was about 17 – went out to dinner. She’s a swimmer so she had a pretty buff upper body, gave pretty strong hugs, strong girl. While we were waiting to be seated, we were joking around and I kinda nudged her on the shoulder. She laughed and tapped me on the shoulder. I did the same back, barely touching her. While all this is happening, we’re being taken to our seats. And then she laughed again, swung around, and punched me in the chest so hard that it knocked the wind out of me and I had to sit down at someone’s table who was eating their dinner and enjoying their night, just so I could catch my breath. And she was laughing real hard, and I was not at all. So that also really challenged my masculinity.

HMHW: Do you think you’re making the most of your single years?
Thomas: Yes, I do! My very close group of four friends that I consider my best friends are two married couples. I would say that those two guys have wives who are very understanding of them wanting to do things by themselves with their friends. But there are still a lot of times when we’re hanging out and they go home because they’re married, and I do not have to. I feel like I am [taking advantage of my single life] because I’m moving to New York, etc. Fiscally, I’m also trying to make the most of my single years by making good financial decisions in preparation for when I do get married.

HMHW: Do you believe in the ability to be ready for marriage? Do you have factors you think will indicate your readiness?
Thomas: No. You can never be ready to get married. You can be ready to marry someone, if that makes sense. No one’s ever ready to jump into an entirely foreign way of living, which is what marriage is if you’ve not lived together before.

HMHW: Do you feel any pressure at your age to be thinking about/preparing for marriage? Is that pressure from within or without?
Thomas: RIght now, I feel very superficial pressure because I live in Greeley and my best friends all got married under 21. And in my big social group, I’m the only one not in a committed, headed-towards-marriage kind of relationship. And of course, they try and set me up because they think I should be in a relationship. So I guess I feel the pressure, but it doesn’t really affect me.

HMHW: What are your thoughts on modesty and its effect or lack thereof on daily life?
Thomas: Someone once said…and now I can’t remember who, or how it goes. Basically the concept is modesty in everything.
HMHW: Um, everything in moderation?
Thomas: Yes!
HMHW: *laughing at/mocking him* Modesty in everything??
Thomas: Gah, I hate you. I think that women are not modest enough in a lot of circumstances. I think that men are not modest enough in a lot of circumstances with allowing their thoughts that are not fit for the outside world to take them over. Because as a man, I know that if you’re not aware of what you’re thinking and you let things slide even in your brain, they will escalate. I think that’s an even bigger issue than the issue of how women dress.
HMHW: Amen. Cheers to that.

HMHW: What are your opinions on pursuing/being pursued with regards to gender roles?
Thomas: I somewhat don’t agree with my opinion of it right now, but it’s still my opinion. I would find it weird if I were to be pursued by a woman. Probably because it’s never happened before, and also because coming from such a traditional, down home kind of culture, then that would be against the Bible. But I don’t necessarily think I believe that. I think it would be foreign but I would not turn away from it. Honestly, if I were hanging out with a girl and she said, “Hey I like you,” that wouldn’t be so weird to me. I think it would be very weird if I were pursued heavily by a woman, but if it was on casual level then I’d be accepting of that.

HMHW: What would you say has been the hardest part of being a twenty-something?
Thomas: Transitioning from school to the real world was very difficult, which is initially why I thought I hated my first job out of school. Turns out, it actually just sucked. But it is very hard to get used to getting up at 6.30 every morning, shaving everyday, wearing a tie everyday, you know? I had a really hard time – for the first few months I was real depressed. It’s just a different way of life, and you don’t get to do things when you want to do things. I’m sure there will be harder things in the future, but that’s been the hardest thing so far.

The 20-Somethings Part IX

This woman is one of my oldest, dearest friends. We’ve been friends for over a decade and I frequently pause and marvel at how undeserving I am of her continued forgiveness, patience, and acceptance. She’s forgiven a lot over the years, the gem that she is! I respect and admire her zest for life and her candor. Have I mentioned how much I love her? Okay enough of the sappiness! She’s currently a Fellow in Public Affairs at Coro Center for Civic Leadership and has so many fascinating thoughts to share.

HMHW: What do you look for in a group of friends at this age?
Bee: I don’t know that I’ve found that sweet spot with a group of friends. In looking at my friendship history, I haven’t really ever had that. In boarding school, I had friends because they were right there so I didn’t really have to think about looking for friends. But throughout college, I was always that person that knew a lot of people but didn’t have a core group of friends. Essentially, what I’m saying is that I don’t think I know how to intentionally look for friends. But the kind of people that I would like to surround myself with are people I connect with, people I don’t have to explain myself to, or explain my slang to, or consider rules and cultural norms when I’m around them – people who accept me as I am.

HMHW: Do you believe in types?
Bee: I feel like this is a question with multiple layers. Do I feel like there are certain traits that I’d appreciate in a man? Yes. But do I believe in society’s idealized version of what a man should be? No. I don’t believe in a type that is so defined that if I were to meet someone that wasn’t “my type”, I wouldn’t be interested in talking to them or dating them.

HMHW: Do you have career goals? Do you see yourself remaining in the same career for the rest of your life?
Bee: I have big picture goals – I want to work in development. I see development as such an exciting place to be in terms of doing work that matters in very real and tangible ways. Within that, I’m interested in education, because I see it as a driver of development. And within education, I’ve played with so many different ideas, from wanting to improve access to basic education to using education as a tool for civic engagement and for building citizens. I’ve definitely run the gamut in the ways I’m interested in using education and what capacities I want to work in. But the key thing for me is that I want to be at a point of impact – in whatever I do, I want to look for ways that I can have the biggest impact on people’s lives.

HMHW: What’s your definition of guarding your heart?
Bee: I guess guarding your heart is being aware of what you allow your heart to feel and be exposed to, what thoughts you let yourself experience, what people and relationships you expose yourself to. Guarding your heart is being aware of all the interactions you go through in life and how those affect you. It’s knowing who you are, and with that knowledge, choosing to not expose yourself to situations that are unhealthy for you. Guarding your heart is knowing yourself enough to realize that, while on the surface everyone else might think your friendship with a guy is harmless, you know that it’s not and you make the decision to stop. It’s a very personal thing; it depends on the individual. But basically, it’s knowing yourself in a way that no one else does, and being honest with yourself in a way that no one else can be.

HMHW: How valuable are your friendships with other women?
Bee: I have good women in my life and I value them. I value this idea of being comfortable and being able to talk about anything, being able to vent and not be PG about it. My life has been so transient, so while I definitely have those solid relationships that are always there, they’re not a part of my everyday life. And I really miss that – I really miss having real, consistent, everyday friendships.

HMHW: What about your friendships with guys?
Bee: Oh my goodness, I still haven’t decided whether men and women can be just friends. Just in general, when I’m talking to a guy, at the exact moment when we start to click, all of a sudden sparks start to fly! I thought I was doing really well with one of my friends – we were really connecting on certain topics, and all of a sudden, he’s like, “I like you.” And I’m thinking, “You’re kidding me!” I thought that for once in my life I was being really successful at having a [guy] friend. I’m just not sure that it’s possible. I mean, there are different levels of friendship – with friends that you see only once in a while, maybe it’s possible. But the moment you start connecting and realizing that you share similar ideals, things get really gray really quick.

Even with this guy that I was friends with a few summers ago, I was dating someone else at the time – someone who was committed to me and loved me so much. But can I say that a part of me wasn’t enjoying this other man’s company and attention a little too much? No, I can’t. It got to the point where I ended up asking my boyfriend whether he was passionate about me, because this other guy was always so full of life and passion every time he was around me. This was a man who loved me so much and proved time and time again how much he cared for me, yet I questioned his feelings for me because of my friendship with this other guy.

HMHW: So going off of that, what’s your opinion on boundaries in male and female relationships when you’re in a dating relationship yourself?
Bee: I don’t know that I have a golden answer to this one. I definitely don’t want to be one of those people who says that no one can be friends outside of their romantic relationships. And I don’t know if I’m holding onto that simply because I don’t want to be one of those Christianese-speaking Christians who make up all these rules for how every one should live. Even the word “boundaries” just makes me think of Joshua Harris!
HMHW: Oh come on! Okay, maybe you’re right…
Bee: Well, it’s true! I feel like there are some Christianese buzz words that I get really tired of, and “boundaries” is definitely one of them. And maybe that’s why I don’t want to admit that they’re a very real, important thing. For me, it’s more about the nuances in a particular situation rather than strict rules of what not to do. I think the boundary is yourself; at the end of the day, even though my boyfriend knew of all the interactions I had with [the guy mentioned above], I still had to be honest with myself about this other guy’s effect on me. No one else could’ve called it out, because left to the naked eye, it was fine.

HMHW: Do you believe in the one? If so, do you believe that they were chosen for you since the beginning of time, or do you believe they become the one when you choose them?
Bee: By virtue of saying that they become the one when you choose them, that nullifies every single rule of “the one”. The idea of the one is that right from time immemorial, they were destined for you. And I think that’s absolute bullshit. I believe in choice; I believe that you choose someone and you decide to make it work. When you meet someone, there are different levels of attraction and so forth. But the moment they become the one is the moment you commit to this thing that you have and share. Attraction and connection is all fun and exciting, and you can feel like they’re the one. But I think what makes them the one is that commitment to stick with them even when they don’t quite feel like the one. I think that’s why so many people “fall out of love” and break up – there will always be a more exciting, more beautiful, more attractive version of whatever you think makes someone “the one”. So, the one is just about commitment.

HMHW: How do you make decisions about your future in this season of life? Has that changed from before?
Bee: Oh my goodness, I really wish I prayed more; I really don’t. I google jobs and things, and if it’s exciting then I talk to people I know, and then do it. I’m realizing that a lot of my decisions come out of excitement. I’ve thought about other jobs more strategically, but it’s more out of logic and excitement than asking God what he wants for me. I know that God definitely speaks to us through the things he gives us passions for, but I do feel that He also wants to walk with us on a daily basis. And I certainly don’t acknowledge that enough in the way that I make decisions.

HMHW: Best/worst advice you’ve ever been given on the topic of love and relationships?
Bee: Best advice I’ve ever been given is to look for love in people that have a genuine relationship with God. Honestly, looking at my own dating experience in comparison to the dating experiences of others, I’m extremely appalled at the kinds of standards people have. I feel like conversations that I don’t need to have with a solid Christian man are the norm in other relationships. Things like “Are you going to cheat on me, or lie to me?” Really? We have bigger fish to fry. If I don’t have to worry about these big pictures things, then I can worry about where you see yourself in five years and whether or not I fit into your dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Just because someone is Christian doesn’t mean they’re right for you, but that should eliminate some of these basic worries that I see in other relationships.

As far as worst advice, it’s this whole idea that men cheat and lie, and that in order to survive, I have to protect myself against them. You know, the idea of keeping a stash of money on the side just incase. Being honest, but not completely honest. Not giving him everything. I feel like the worst advice I’ve been given about men is to accept less than what the Godly standard is. Even Christian women don’t truly believe that a man who lives up to the Godly standard exists. Because so many Christian women have been exposed to even men within the church completely screwing up, no one actually believes it’s real. People think it’s just idealistic. It makes me feel privileged to have had the relationships that I’ve had – I’ve known good men who live up to that standard. They’re worth waiting for, I promise. Don’t make excuses and settle.

HMHW: What’s your perception of the differences between masculinity and femininity? Do you think it varies from gender to gender or person to person?
Bee: I absolutely believe that we’re different, except I just went to a seminar on gender that explored the reality of people who aren’t fully one way or the other. Even though on the outside, I can point to a person and say that he’s a man, on the inside, he might feel just as feminine as I do. So I want to validate that perspective; however, I don’t really know what to do with it. With regards to stereotypes, I feel like the danger with stereotypes is not that they’re untrue, but that they’re incomplete. (I stole that from Chimamanda Adichie.) I think that there is a reason why men and women typically fit into certain roles in our society, because a lot of times we’re more inclined to act or be a certain way. I think the area I’m not so sure about – and I don’t know if I’m fighting it because I don’t want it to be true or because it’s actually invalid – is the idea that women should stay at home and take care of the kids. I think our differences exist, and they’re a beautiful part of our humanity, and they can be expressed in many different ways.

HMHW: What would you say is the most important lesson you’ve learned in the last year?
Bee: There’s always more to a story, always more to a person than meets the eye. People behave differently in different situations and it’s easy to just react based on how you see them behave. But know that people have stories, and if you take a little time to ask questions, to better understand where they’re coming from, you’ll be amazed at how that changes the dynamic of that situation. I’ve just learned the importance of seeing things through other people’s lenses, and fully respecting that at the end of day, everyone has a story and everyone is fighting their own battle. Just because you can’t see it or your own experiences have never exposed you to that, does not give you the license to judge everybody through your own lens. The first step in foolishness is thinking you know it all or have it all figured out.

HMHW: Do you feel pressure to be thinking about/preparing for marriage? If so, is the pressure from within or without?
Bee: Does every Christian woman not struggle with this? For so long I’ve struggled with why I want to get married. There’s always the sex piece of it, but besides the physical aspect of it, the emotional connection is so appealing. I feel like we were made for relationship, and marriage is the most intimate form of relationship. So by virtue of the way we were made, we want that connection; we want to love and be loved, own and be owned. But sometimes I wonder, if marriage is supposed to glorify God, then is my desire for it selfish? Or am I just trying to find this deep, Christianese way of looking at marriage when [God] has allowed it to be this simple, beautiful thing? Am I trying to find excessive meaning that even I myself don’t believe, simply because I’m trying to be so super-Christian about this?

And then there’s the issue of actually wanting to get married. Somedays I want to get married soon, and some days I don’t want to get married till much later. And because I have such a transient life and I’m constantly moving, as much as there’s a part of me that wants marriage, I also don’t see how it fits into my dreams of traveling and pursuing my career. Also, I’m not the person I was last year. I’ve grown so much. So I wonder who I will be next year, and what that would mean if I decided to get married now. I feel like I have the rest of my life to be married, but there’s still this ache present today. But is that ache present just because we always want gratification now, or is it because it’s meant to happen now? So there are so many different questions and things to consider, and my heart feels like it’s in limbo.

HMHW: Do you think you’re making the most of your single life?
Bee: Definitely, in terms of pursuing my dreams and opportunities that come along. I’m casting my net wide and not letting myself be restricted by anything.

HMHW: What did you believe about romance and love a year ago that you don’t anymore?
Bee: I don’t know about a year ago, but one thing I realize now is that I was always looking after myself. It was always about how the other person made me feel. I realize how me-centered I was in my last relationship, yet how much grace I received from the other person. I’m realizing that if I can feel secure in who you are and how capable you are of love, not just in terms of the way you treat me, but the way you treat the people around you, then that’s far more important. Love is about how I see you interact with the people around me, people that can’t love you back.

This week I was at a private wine tasting at a restaurant owned by a young guy. This couple came in wanting to eat there – it was their favorite restaurant and it was her birthday. But they were closed. The owner said, “You know, I’m sorry but my kitchen’s closed. But hey, how about I offer you some champagne!” And he gave them champagne for free. That, to me, is love. So if I can feel secure in your character and the way you love other people, how much more secure will I feel in your love for me? At that point, I’m free to not look out for my own interests and pursue yours instead. If your focus is on them and their focus is on you, then you’re both taken care of in this ecosystem. I say that with a lot of caution, though, because I know that a lot of relationships are parasitic, so people still have to watch their own backs. There are definitely different levels of growth in relationship, and marriage is the place where you can full exercise this with abandon, but I’ve definitely learned to not be self-seeking and instead to seek the good of the other.

HMHW: What are your thoughts on modesty and its effect, or lack thereof, on daily life?
Bee: I think at the end of the day, it’s not just about you and what you feel comfortable in. It’s also about looking on the outside at how that affects other people. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and I feel like I look sexy. Should I be going out looking sexy? Mm, I should probably wear a shirt under that or buy a different dress, etc. I feel like I’m getting convicted about this, but I don’t want to be because I don’t know what that would mean.
HMHW: Would you say though that there’s a line between wanting to feel confident and beautiful and sexy just for yourself? Because I don’t think any girl would deny ever thinking about the reaction a certain article of clothing would have on the people around her. But I’ve also bought things that made me feel good, just for me, not anyone else. Is there a line where it’s appropriate for me to like the fact that my butt looks good, and not have it be just about what the guy down the street thinks?
Bee: Feeling confident and beautiful are good things. But then there’s the, “I feel sexy; I could walk into a room and people would definitely pay attention to me” aspect.
HMHW: But is that a bad thing, though? Cause I’m not convinced that it is.
Bee: I think it’s all in the word “sexy”. I feel like that word has become so mainstream that we’ve almost lost the meaning of the word. When we talk about “sexy”, it’s insinuating sex, and I think that’s where it gets gray. You can wear things that make you feel confident and beautiful, but it doesn’t have to be “sexual”.

HMHW: Do you believe in the ability to be ready for marriage? Do you think you have factors that will indicate your readiness?
Bee: I feel like I’m struggling with this question right now. I’ve been socialized to think that marriage happens after a certain age, after you’ve gotten a certain number of degrees, after you’ve been through certain experiences. So right now, part of me still thinks of that as being “ready”. But part of me wonders if this genuine desire to love and be loved is also part of the readiness. I don’t know.

HMHW: What are your opinions on pursuing/being pursued with regards to gender roles?
Bee: I think it’s a stretch. I think that a lot of people who quote the “He who FINDS a wife FINDS a good thing,” are just making a big stretch. I mean, seriously? Come on! I do think that in looking at biblical principles on how a home is run, if a man is the head of the house then you want to see him take initiative. You want to see him risk. I mean, it’s hard for a man to come up to a girl and talk to her, but as a woman, you want to know that you’re worth that risk. Part of you feeling secure in this man’s love for you is knowing that he sought you out. And for me, that brings up a more poignant point on this whole idea of pursuing and being pursued. Because as a woman, I feel much more confident knowing that you came and initiated a conversation with me. And I think in general, men also enjoy the chase. I think women can pursue to the point of friendship, but past that, I personally think it says a lot about a man when he initiates.

HMHW: What’s been the hardest part of being a 20-something?
Bee: Coming out of a college and realizing that life up until then had been pretty regimented and now I have to figure it out. In general, the feeling of having to take responsibility, and not knowing how to, is frightening. I think I’m a fairly independent person, but there was still this huge pressure on me to get my act together. It felt like a bomb, and I didn’t feel prepared. Now, I feel like I’m becoming more and more comfortable in who I am and what I want. But the initial shock was huge.

The 20-Somethings Part VIII

Oh, Mark. The stories I have of living a few doors down from this guy years ago are too many and too hilarious for this particular moment. He’s the type of guy who, as a very recent April Fool’s joke, lay butt naked on his kitchen floor with a knife in one hand and ketchup smeared all over him – all to the absolute delight of his roommates, I’m sure. He works for Turner Broadcasting in England, and was one of the minds behind this viral YouTube video! And I absolutely loved listening to his British accent for an hour as I transcribed this interview!

HMHW: What do you look for in a group of friends at this age?
Mark: I find friendships to be things that sort themselves out naturally. So I don’t go actively looking – I suppose I just warm towards people that I find interest in and enjoy being around.  People who are honest, who’ve got integrity, and people who aren’t cynics. I hate people who are pessimists – I think it’s just lazy.

HMHW: Fill in the blank: I’m a closet _______ fan.
Mark: I’m a closet fan of Cocktail, the Tom Cruise movie. It’s actually very bad and I can’t defend it at all, but I really like it. And I actually like, though I’d rarely ever admit it, the first Twilight movie. I can defend that one more than I can defend Cocktail. I think Stephenie Meyer knows her vampire literature.
HMHW: Did you read the books, or just the movies?
Mark: No, so maybe I’m not qualified to make that statement. But from the concept going around in the film, I think she’s done something quite interesting.

HMHW: Do you believe in types?
Mark: Yes, in the sense that we categorize everything as human beings. But I believe that there’s a spectrum, more than there are types. You can’t put people into boxes – that’s just crude. We do it to simplify things, but everyone is different and there’s a huge spectrum.

HMHW: Do you find it difficult to be friends with people of the opposite gender?
Mark: No, not at all. I’ve got lots of friends who I’m not attracted to of the opposite gender, and I find it easy to get along with them, regardless of their gender.

HMHW: Do you have career goals? Do you see yourself remaining in the same career for the rest of your life?
Mark: Yes, I wouldn’t mind staying in this career. I really like my job. If you asked me that a year ago, I would’ve said, “Absolutely not.” But I like where I am.
HMHW: What exactly do you do?
Mark: I market TV programs and movies for Turner Broadcasting. They’re CNN, Cartoon Network, Boomerang, TNT, TCM.  Yeah, so I really enjoy doing that kind of stuff. I knew that the media industry was what I wanted to get into – broadcast media or films or that kind of thing. As to your question on whether I have career goals, I’d say probably not. I think that if you just keep doing your best then you’ll keep advancing if you do it in the correct manner. I hope.

HMHW: Do you feel like you’re held to an impossible standard of perfection as a man, coming from women?
Mark: Well, I am an impossible standard of perfection. *insert laughter here* Yeah, I’m just joking. My answer would be no. I feel like that’s more of a problem for women actually.
HMHW: You think that women are held to an impossible standard of perfection?
Mark: Yeah. You see men have this thing called humor that they use to attract any woman they please. Whereas with women, it seems to be that men are a lot more shallow, at least to begin with. And there’s so much put on the looks and beauty front, where they’re told to look a certain way, and they go insane over it. And with men, it’s like, “I’m fat, but at least I can make people laugh, so I’ve got this kind of ‘get out of jail free’ card.”

HMHW: How do you make decisions about your future in this season of life? Has that changed from before?
Mark: It’s changed from when I was an early teenager. I’d say that from nineteen onwards, there’ve been many subtle, gradual changes. I try and think everything out; I try to not be naïve about anything. That’s a very British thing, though. One of the worst things you can call a Brit is naïve. But I just try and work things out and analyze everything logically in making decisions. I’ve also learned a few lessons recently like not being afraid to be bold sometimes, if you’ve thought it all out and decided that it’s the right thing to do. Don’t chicken, just go ahead and do it. Fortune favors the bold.

HMHW: Do you believe in the one? If so, do you believe that they were chosen for you since the beginning of time, or that they become the one when you choose them?
Mark: Absolutely not. I do not believe in the one. That doesn’t mean that I believe in love any less, but I actually think that it’s a very toxic message that Hollywood and record companies portray. I think it’s far worse for kids to be subjected to that than violence in cinema, for example. Because people then rush into these kinds of things with their first instincts of love, and it can lead to broken homes. There’s obviously not a one; there are many ones. I think that believing in the one is oversimplifying love and making it crude. Love is just a very, very close connection between two people and that doesn’t make it any less special. It’s the fact that you met and had this connection, not the fact that you’re trying to imagine that there couldn’t have been anyone else and that it was fate, or whatever you call it. I think that it’s quite damaging, this message that’s pumped out by the media just to make money. All my favorite romance films, I like because they have this sort of message that there isn’t necessarily a “one”, but instead there’s just someone you love so much. Movies like 500 Days of Summer or Adventureland cause my hairs to stand up on the back of my neck; that doesn’t happen when I see The Notebook, for example.

HMHW: Best/worst advice you’ve ever been given on the topic of love/relationships?
Mark: The best advice was from my dad. He said, “Don’t be too eager to search for it; it’ll sort itself out. Put your concentration power into other things, like your career and your dreams.” Those are the things you need to concentrate on and actively pursue, whereas love and relationships work themselves out. They’re on autopilot. I haven’t been given much bad advice, thankfully. I think wisdom’s taken from life lessons. So even from bad experiences, you can get very good advice.

Actually, here’s another great bit of advice I got from my dad again: Don’t treat women differently. Treat them just like a friend. I think he was trying to tell me to not get nervous, but if you treat everyone like human beings, then you get on with the ones you get on with, and you don’t with the rest. And there’s no nerves or prejudices chucked in there.

HMHW: What’s your perception of the differences between masculinity and femininity? Do you think it varies by gender or by person?
Mark: I think that they do change from person to person, obviously. There’s men who view women in very different lights, from the not-very-nice to the quite sublime. And there’s women who do the same to men, probably. There are obviously gender stereotypes that all of these could funnel into. I think that the most toxic examples come from countries where women aren’t considered equal citizens. I think that’s the source of all poverty. You look at most third-world countries, and women are all second-class citizens. The emancipation of women is the key to sorting out poverty issues. So I think it changes from person to person, country to country, culture to culture.

HMHW: Are there things that challenge your own masculinity in the way you think it should be expressed?
Mark: I suppose there are. I mean, there’s probably more stuff that I should be worried about but I’m not because I’m probably too arrogant. But it’s things like not being a massive sports fan, which most men are. But that doesn’t really bother me a lot. Now and then I like to dress a little bit more flamboyantly than your average man. But if everyone started doing that, I’d probably not like it as much. So I guess what I like is going against the masculinity grain a little bit.

HMHW: Most embarrassing dating story?
Mark: I went out with a girl once – when I was a teenager – and we went to a Chinese restaurant. We sat down and I ordered my food, and she wouldn’t order anything. I said, “Don’t you wanna order anything?” And she said, “No, I’ll just have prawn crackers.” And she just ate prawn crackers the entire date, like a bird or a little hamster or something. I was like, “So what do you like doing?” And she was like, “Not much *crunch crunch crunch* yeah, not much *crunch crunch crunch*” And she wouldn’t speak either! It was like getting blood out of a stone trying to get her to talk. Don’t get her for your next interview, bloody hell.

HMHW: Do you feel a pressure, based on your age, to be thinking about/preparing for marriage? If so, is that pressure from within or without?
Mark: I don’t feel any pressure, thankfully. My parents are very free-thinking individuals, and leave it up to me to get married whenever I want to. From society – not really. I could see how some people, when their friends start getting married, think that they should start getting married too. But again, I’m very wary of rushing into things. I like to do things my own way, anyway. I’d like to do a solo album before I do a duet. And for me, personally, I’m not getting married until there’s a 3 in front of my age, at least. This is the only time in your life when you get to concentrate on you. Beause God knows when you’re married, and most especially when the kids come, that’s it. This is the only time you get to be selfish, and I’m going to use it as best as I can.

HMHW: Do you believe in the ability to be ready for marriage? Do you think you have factors that will indicate your readiness?
Mark: Again, I think that it’s about letting those things happen. There’s no rush or anything like that. I’m sure that one day I’ll be certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with a person, and at that point, I’ll have no objections to getting married. But by then, I would’ve done a lot more traveling and everything else I’d like to do.

I used to be a member of this club, and there’d be people in their forties and fifties who got married very young. And there was stuff going on there that shouldn’t have been going on, if you get my drift. And it’s because they realized that they had spent so long with these people, that they had missed out on the opportunity to be young and selfish. Obviously, this doesn’t happen in all cases, but I just don’t want to rush things. You’ve only got one shot at this life so you want to strategize it – that makes it sound clinical, but you know what I mean.

HMHW: What are your thoughts on modesty and its effects or lack thereof on daily living?
Mark: Women suffer that more, and I don’t want to sound like the cliche, but it’s because they’re given this image of perfection that they’re supposed to strive towards. So if you’re fighting with perfection, you’re always going to find flaws because you’re going to be too sensitive to them. I just go with the idea that I’ve been given what I’ve got, so might as well try and use it. Which probably wasn’t the best hand in the deck, but still, let’s see the mileage we can get out of it! Cause the other thing I remind myself of is that these years right now will be the best looking years you get. You don’t want to end up at 50 thinking, “That was the best it was getting and I wasn’t flaunting it enough!”

HMHW: What are your opinions on pursuing/being pursued with regards to gender roles?
Mark: It depends on where you are. Most times, I find that the people you tend to get involved either at a friendship or romantic level are people that you’ve met in everyday life. Because if you just treat people, again, like human beings then things just have the opportunity to organically blossom. But I can’t say that that’s been the way I’ve met everyone I’ve been on a date with. There’s always still cause to go up to a girl and talk to her, but it’s probably because you’re in an environment that doesn’t allow you to get to know them organically. Dates are a way to get to know people organically, and then you can decide whether or not you get on with this person.
HMHW: But it wouldn’t be a problem if the girl was the one who initiated the conversation?
Mark: Funny you ask this, because I’ve just been in Stockholm and I was talking to a girl who was quite a strong feminist. I said to her, “In England, if a girl asks me out, people would think that’s weird.” And she got a bit a defensive but I clarified that if a girl asks me out, I’d think that was awesome! I’d be immediately attracted to her. But society doesn’t see it like that. In Sweden, women will come over (I think I need to move there actually) and ask men out, and it’s the norm. It’s a two way system, whereas in England, it’s a one-way street. Which is a problem, you know. If you want to get anything done in the field over here, you have to initiate things as the man. In America, I found that was less of a problem.
HMHW: Well, you also had a British accent in America…
Mark: That probably helped a bit, yeah.

(Editor’s Note: And here, he proceeds to do his best imitation of an American accent. Specifically, of American girls asking him to say various words and then swooning. Haha )

HMHW: What has been the hardest part of being a twenty-something?
Mark: Getting used to the working life, and finding something that you enjoy – which some people never do. Ever since I was like ten years old, my greatest fear more than even dying, was having a job that I hated and that I was bored at. And I think capitalism is the lesser of all the evils; it’s not a perfect system, but it’s the one that works the most. The problem with it, though, is that people have these amazing talents and gifts and nearly everyone is really good at something. But their potential is not used, and instead they spend their lives doing a job they think is dull or doesn’t bring them fulfillment.

I’ve always thought that we are just so incredibly lucky to be here. If you just think about the amount of sperm that had to beat the other ones to get to the egg, I mean, you’ve already got odds in your favor at the first stage. Then you think about all the sperm in all those generations past that had to do that, and in the millions of generations past, every ancestor of yours had to be the fittest to survive. It is just unbelievable odds that you’re here. We’re so lucky to get eighty years on this planet, and then some of us spend it doing something we’re bored at. I just could not do that. So, your twenties is the time when you’re chucked into that game and you’re told, “Sink or swim.” And learning to swim can be a tough ordeal.